How to Avoid Moving Too Quickly in a New Relationship

Amanda Peet once put it this way: beauty is only skin deep, and if you chase someone purely for their looks without anything to actually talk about, the whole thing gets boring fast. Her point was to look past the surface and ask whether you can have fun together or share much of anything at all.

So you've just fallen for someone. The excitement is real, the hormones are doing their work, and everything in you wants to floor the accelerator. That urge is exactly what you have to resist. Give it time. Learn who this person is before you start shopping for a wedding dress or signing a lease together.

Rushing is the single most damaging thing you can do early on. Picture a couple that's been dating two months deciding to share an apartment, then discovering, now that they live in the same space, that they were never really compatible. That discovery arrives with a lot more friction when you're already under one roof.

Waiting roughly six months to a year before the big commitments, whether that's living together or marriage, gives you a genuine read on the person. By then you'll know things long before the moving-in conversation, and certainly long before any "I do." Take small steps. Someone who actually loves you and wants to stay will respect that pace and wait until you're ready.

If you're wondering how to keep the pace sane, a handful of things help.

Start by figuring out what you want. Does a pushy partner make you tense up? Does a passive one put you to sleep? Are you someone who likes a slow build, or do you dive in headfirst without much thought? Say you love going out and partying on weekends while your partner would rather stay in and cuddle. On its own that might be fine, but stacked with other major differences it can mean you simply don't fit. Rushing into cohabitation or an engagement when you have almost nothing in common tends to end badly.

Ask whether you even have time for a relationship. If your days are already packed with work, friends, and other obligations, there may not be room to let something new grow. And if there is room, you have to want to give it up: real relationships ask you to trade some of your time with family and friends. Without that investment the thing withers. Speeding up, moving in after a few weeks or getting engaged within months, only makes the eventual breakup, if it comes, that much more painful to untangle. A slower, steadier rhythm gives the relationship a better shot at lasting.

Keep a life outside the two of you. You need people and activities that have nothing to do with your partner, or you'll both start to feel smothered. Go out with your own friends now and then, pick up a hobby or two. It gives your partner a chance to miss you, and it hands you something to talk about when you're back together. Push them to see their own friends and family too. The space you spend apart is often where you learn whether this is right.

Be careful about physical intimacy. Jumping into sex too early is one of the easier ways to trip yourself up at the start. Only you can decide when the timing is right, but think it through before you leap. Sex can get mistaken for love, and that confusion can keep you parked in an unhealthy relationship far longer than you should be. Consider setting your own guideline for when, and how often. Some people hold off for six months to a year; if you're already sleeping together, you might keep it to a few times a week until you're sure.

Tell the truth, to yourself and to your partner, about what you want and expect. Don't remodel yourself to fit someone else. Be who you are, and if they really love you they'll stay. Dishonesty is corrosive; a relationship can't hold up under it. When it feels like things are accelerating past your comfort, say so. Most partners will respect you more for the honesty, and the relationship usually comes out stronger.

Lean on someone you trust. A close friend or family member can help you see the pace clearly, as long as they're dependable and genuinely in your corner. Listen to what they say and weigh it carefully. If a friend tells you to slow down, there's a decent chance they're noticing something you can't or won't. Have that conversation before you move in with someone or marry them, not after.

Written by Dr. R. Y. Langham. Sources cited in the original include Amanda Peet's quote via BrainyQuote, John Grohol's "5 Things Not to Do in Your New Relationship" at Psych Central, Psychology Today's relationships overview, and Kate M. Wachs on pacing a new romance in Relationships for Dummies.

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