Did You Like It? Talking About Sex
"I can't read your mind!" That's the line you want to throw at your partner mid-argument, especially after a night of sex that went nowhere. You spend months, maybe years, with someone and you start assuming they've figured out how to please you by now. Before you read any further, a quick filter: this one is written for people who are actually in a committed relationship. If that's not you, no offense, but I'll save a different article for a different day. So, back to it. Your partner cannot read your mind.
Sexual compatibility matters in a relationship, more than people like to admit. Plenty of couples fall apart over a lack of intimacy. If that's where you are right now, pause for a second and ask yourself why before you go hunting for answers online. Type "sex and relationships" into a search bar and you'll get articles on low libido in men and women, lists of the best and worst moves, pieces about sex addiction, the whole catalog. I did exactly that before writing this, and I'd warn you to read that stuff carefully. It's easy to decide one of those posts is describing your situation when it isn't.
The word almost none of those articles bother with is communication. We're adults. Western culture turned sex into something shameful, a sin, a secret you're not supposed to say out loud without blushing. Drop that. You're grown. You should be able to sit across from your partner and talk about sex plainly, especially when you aren't satisfied. The Bible talks about it. Jesus talked about it. If he could bring it up, you and the person you married can manage it too.
If talking feels impossible on your own, a sex therapist gives you a neutral third person in the room to make it easier. Either way, the point stands: say what you want out loud. People change the longer they stay together, and your sex life should move with that change. Running the same three moves for a decade and assuming your partner is thrilled is a mistake. And for the record, women have gotten very good at faking an orgasm. Sometimes we fake it to protect a man's ego, and sometimes that protection is the actual problem.
So how do you bring sex back? Start by learning your mate. My mother used to tell me, "Heather, learn your man!" It goes the other way too. Know what lifts their mood, what shuts it down, what gets them in the mood. When you don't know, ask, just not in a way that feels like an interrogation. Reading your partner's patterns takes a lot of the anxiety out of sex, and it stops you assuming they're always happy with how things are going.
Try something new. New positions won't hurt anybody. That doesn't mean rushing out to buy the Kama Sutra. If this is unfamiliar ground for you, take small steps. It's a good way to find each other again. Visiting an adult store together is another option, and you'd be surprised how many couples genuinely enjoy going.
Be kind about it. Pleasing someone is tender territory, and like it or not, we all want approval from the person we're sleeping with. That need to please can get so loud we forget how to actually do it. Carry some confidence. One of the fastest ways to wreck a healthy sex life is letting a look of disgust cross your face afterward. You aren't flawless either.
Make time for sex. I'll say it plainly. Between jobs and kids, it has to get scheduled like anything else. If you find time for the gym, you can find time for this. Treat it as its own workout if that helps; it burns calories. Children make it harder, no question, so set up date nights and carve out time alone.
Keep yourself together. There's a myth that once you've locked someone down you can stop putting in effort. Not true, no matter what your friends say. Whatever you did to win your partner, you have to work harder to keep them. Monogamy isn't a reason to stop showing affection. Treat them well, as often as you can manage.
- Heather Browning, MBA, BA