Drs. Ellyn Bader and Peter Pearson (Interview Archive)

Ellyn offered one more idea to close things out. She thinks it helps enormously for each person to carry their own picture of who they want to be once a conversation turns tense, and to lean on that picture when things get hard. Some people build theirs around a feeling. One woman, for instance, pictured a homecoming, because what she wanted was to keep a sense of warmth alive even in the middle of conflict, and she held onto that as the thing she was aiming for.

Ellyn's own image has always been the reporter. She pictures herself as a good journalist, curious rather than furious, and she tries to keep her attention on that curiosity. So when she and Pete hit a rough patch and he is angry, she talks herself through it: slow down, this is not about you, go find out what the problem actually is for him and why it carries weight for him.

Peter added the next step. After she does all that, she can ask him what he thinks. Ellyn laughed and agreed that was the piece that really pulled it together.

Erik thanked them both for taking part in Psychology of the Future and for helping spread word of the conference to the people who follow their work. The hope, he said, was to introduce audiences from other communities to what the two of them do. He pointed viewers to CouplesInstitute.com through the link below the video, and Ellyn and Peter signed off with their thanks for the invitation.