How to Have Better Sex and Intimacy

The third piece I want to put on the table, after everything about imagination, curiosity, presence, and foreplay, is what I'd call mindful orgasm. People ask about this constantly, and that makes sense. We're all curious about the idea of a transcendent orgasm, and there's nothing wrong with that curiosity.

Let me give you a bit of sex therapy trivia first. The average male orgasm runs about seven seconds. The average female orgasm runs closer to 21 seconds. So the running joke is that it might take longer to arrive, but it pays off once you do. Frankly, though, those numbers are a couple of underachievers. You can train the capacity for orgasms that go on and on, with some room for variation in how that looks. This is not a quick trick, and it isn't easy.

For women, what's commonly called multiple orgasm is physiologically real: she can have one, then another, then another. The male body doesn't work that way. Once a man ejaculates, he can't turn around and immediately repeat the orgasm and ejaculation. There's a refractory period in between. In a healthy young man it tends to be short. It generally stretches out as men move into their 40s, 50s, and 60s.

What is available to both men and women is cultivating something people sometimes name a tantric orgasm or an extended orgasm. That ability leans heavily on mindfulness. It's about working with your own mind and staying present at a very deep level while it's happening.

A couple of hints. A lot of people, much of the time, are barely present as they approach orgasm, whether with a partner or on their own. They've slipped into fantasy. In their heads they're somewhere else entirely, with someone else, doing something else, even as they're making love to the person actually in the room. That's not what I'm pointing toward, and it isn't part of a healthy sexuality.

One thing I want to clear up: mindful sexuality doesn't have to be some hushed, serene, loving thing where you announce that you're being very mindful now. It can be ferociously hot. It can be raw, spicy, explosive. This isn't a bloodless spiritual version of sex that's cut off from lust and the body and the sheer passion of it.