Yes, You Can Love a Depressed Person

Loving someone who is depressed is hard. There are moments when you want to throw up your hands because nothing you try seems to reach them, and you run out of ideas about what to do next. Don't give up. A handful of small adjustments can make you better at standing beside a person in that state.

Start by refusing to add to their shame. People in depression carry an enormous load of it already. There is a voice in their head, on repeat, telling them the whole thing is their fault and that they should be strong enough to fix what they already know is broken. That weight is crushing. Don't pile on. Be the one who takes a little of it off instead. Skip the patronizing tone and try empathy, which actually loosens shame's grip.

Resist the urge to hand them a tidy fix. Think of depression as a bruise. Sometimes you can trace exactly where it came from, and sometimes you have no clue, except this bruise lives in the mind. Few things sting more than hearing their condition described as if it were simple. Don't imply they can swallow a pill or book a counselor and be done with it. Medication and therapy may well be pieces of the recovery, but no single piece is the whole cure. Help them simplify where they can without pretending the problem is small.

Give weight to both the physical and the spiritual. We've known for a long time that social support is good for health, and that people with religious habits often live in healthier ways than those without. Most physicians aren't about to defer to a higher power, yet a growing number take the link between spirituality and the body seriously. In studies, people whose support for stress came through their spiritual life reported better health than people who got comparable support from secular sources.

Let the silences be awkward. When someone is depressed, talking about the actual root of it is usually the last thing they want. They aren't angry, aloof, or trying to drain the energy out of the room. They're just stuck for words and need a minute. Often all you have to do is wait for the discomfort to pass. If they seem like they'd rather you weren't there, don't read it as rejection. They want you close. What they want is for you to sit in the quiet with them, because it tells them that silence is sometimes allowed. Life is hard, and none of us has every answer.

Help them loosen their grip on themselves. One of the kindest things you can offer a depressed person is a way to stop taking themselves so seriously. Plenty of them get stuck precisely because they do, and it's tough to move forward when you're the obstacle in your own path. Humor matters more than people assume in dealing with depression. Listen closely to laughter and you can catch the sound of hope in it. Teaching someone to laugh at themselves, to make a gentle joke at their own expense, can release a tension they didn't know they were holding, and that lighter view helps them absorb stressful moments faster. Keep it balanced, though. Too much becomes mockery. Never dismiss them or make them feel smaller than they are. The goal is a shared laugh, not a put-down.

Give them room, and stay within reach. Depressed people need space to be alone, and at the same time they need to know you aren't about to disappear. Don't press. Pushing can make them feel like everything hinges on them snapping out of it, which only deepens the hole. Ask what they're feeling and then listen. Once you think you grasp what they're going through and what's behind it, don't cut in. Help them look at their fears, put together a plan, and take the next step. There's no telling what sort of life is waiting past the depression. Your job is to help them get there.

Jeff Stein, adapted from "6 Ways to Love a Depressed Person" on Embracing Awkward (Sammy Rhodes), retrieved January 15, 2015.