Why Don't Men Take You Seriously?

Before you start reworking this part of your life, get your head right first. If the question feels heavy, sitting with a Zen Master wouldn't hurt. With that said, let me offer something different.

Men are about as uncomplicated as it gets, which makes it strange that so many women find them a mystery. Steve Harvey tried to crack that open in Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man, laying out how a man's mind works and how women might handle themselves while dating. He talks about the 90-day rule and the tells that show a man has checked out. I skipped the book and only watched the movie version, and I never felt I was missing much, because men were everywhere in my life growing up.

I was the only granddaughter among all the grandchildren, for one. My upbringing wasn't conventional, for another. I made my share of poor choices with men, but the things the men in my family taught me carried me through relationships that went bad.

So this isn't the usual piece about why you can't keep a man because of some buried wound. The internet is stuffed with those. Psychologists and other licensed professionals write them, digging through your childhood looking for the moment things went wrong. Their favorite go-to explanation is that you grew up without a father or some male figure. For certain women, sure, that holds. But there are women all over the world in solid, loving relationships who never had a man around when they were young.

What almost nobody writes about is why men don't take you seriously, told from where a man actually stands. I'm talking about the categories. Men sort the women in their lives into slots. Ever notice how a male friend keeps coming to you for relationship advice, or tells you things he'd never say to another woman? You've landed in the counselor slot. Every category has its own use.

Here are a few that sting to read.

First, the slut. Don't flinch, we're grown. Some women believe that stealing a man away from his girlfriend or wife makes them the prize. It doesn't. It drops you straight into this category, where your whole job is to give him what the girlfriend or wife won't, and to him that isn't a relationship at all. The signs: he never stays the night, he's gone right after sex, and he vanishes around the holidays. The loudest sign is that he never actually leaves her for you. And assume nothing is private. He may well tell everyone.

Second, the friend. This one cuts both ways. You become the home girl, a member of the Boys Club, and you get an honest look at how men think and the real reasons behind what they do. You're basically one of the guys to them. The catch is his girlfriend or wife, who may never grasp why the two of you are so tight. When she presses him about what you two talk about, she won't get a straight answer. On the upside, he keeps your business to himself and shows up when you need him. The downside: being surrounded by men all the time signals to other men that you're taken, so they don't approach. Go find yourself some female friends.

Third, the other woman. This isn't the same as the slut, because when a man puts you here, he actually has feelings for you. He carves out time for you, holidays included. Some men cover the other woman's bills even without any formal arrangement. That's why I say a man can love two women at once. Her role is to give him a little peace before he heads home and to fill something that's missing. These rarely wrap up cleanly. Some men can't or won't walk away. You also risk never finding your own relationship because you waited on him too long. Still, it works out for some women, and now and then the other woman comes out ahead, especially when the main woman spent all her energy being cruel to him.

If you've been wondering why men don't take you seriously, check whether you fit one of these. If you do, the next article covers how to climb back out.

Heather Browning, MBA, BA