What Not to Say to Someone Who's Depressed

Depression pushes people inward. Pulling away from others is part of how the illness works, and the shame our culture attaches to mental health problems only speeds that retreat along. So the words you choose around someone who is depressed carry real weight. Stigmatizing language makes it harder for a person to reach out, chips away at what little self-worth they have left, and can drag the condition down even further.

If you want to be useful to a friend or family member who is struggling, start by learning what depression actually is and which phrases to steer clear of. Most of the stigma comes from plain misunderstanding: people simply don't grasp how the illness works or what it does to someone living with it. The more you know, the easier your own day-to-day will be, and the better equipped you'll be to stand beside them through a genuinely brutal stretch of their life. Chipping away at that stigma is part of how recovery happens.

Begin with one fact. A depressed person is sick. It is a medical condition, the same as any other, except it happens to live in the brain. None of that makes the person weak or to blame. People who have never felt depression, and never watched someone close to them go through it, often miss that depression isn't something you pick. That mistaken idea keeps sufferers from getting treatment, because they're frightened of being branded as mentally ill. Watch your language, work to shrink the stigma around the illness, and encourage the person you love to treat it for what it is: a medical problem.

Here are the kinds of things that do damage, even when they're meant kindly:

"Just snap out of it." "Get over it." "Why are you depressed? Plenty of people have it so much worse." "It's all in your head." "What's wrong with you?" "Stop being so selfish." "Quit whining." "Look on the bright side." "You should go to church." "Just decide to feel different, it's your choice." "You're stronger than this." "You need to grow up." "But it's such a lovely day!" "Think about everything you have to be grateful for." "I don't think you should be on that many medications." "You think your problems are bad..." "Smile, it'll help!" "Don't play the victim." "It can't really be that bad." "Everybody gets depressed. You'll bounce back." "You look fine to me. How can you be depressed?" "This is your own doing." "Ugh, now you're depressing me." "You just need to get out more." "You should find a hobby." "Have you tried ______?"

Lines like these, however good the intention behind them, make light of what the person is going through. Worse, they imply the whole thing is the sufferer's own fault. Platitudes offer nothing except the clear signal that you don't actually understand. Talking this way feeds the same stigma that already makes asking for help so hard.

Stay in their corner instead, and show that you get it. Let them know you're there to walk through the hard parts with them, that you don't hold any of it against them, and that you'll do whatever small things might lighten the load. Ask them along when you go out. Offer them a lift. Sit with them in the waiting room when they finally see a doctor. Those are the moves that tell someone you care rather than judge.

Helping starts with educating yourself, then turning that knowledge toward stripping away the stigma. Spread what you learn to the people around you and around the person who's suffering, so understanding grows wider. An accepting environment gives someone the room to recover. When the stigma falls away, they're far more willing to seek help and to get well. A steady support system can be the thing that carries a person back out of depression.

- Tina Fuster

Sources: What Not to Say to a Depressed Person (PsychCentral blog, retrieved December 20, 2014). Worst Things to Say to Someone Who's Depressed (PsychCentral library, retrieved December 20, 2014). Shrivastava, A., Johnston, M., Sousa, A., Sonavane, S., & Shah, N. (2014). Psychiatric treatment as anti-stigma intervention: Objective assessment of stigma by families. International Journal of Medicine and Public Health, 4(4), 491.