The Pros and Cons of Online Dating

More people than ever are logging on to find a partner. Some do it because meeting strangers in person makes them anxious; others simply don't have the hours to spare for dinners and setups. Whatever the motive, looking for romance on a screen stopped being unusual a long time ago. Statistic Brain (2014) put the number of Americans who have tried online dating at roughly 41 million. The same source found that most people using these services rank personality as the single most important thing they want in a partner, with 30% naming it first. That popularity comes bundled with trade-offs, and anyone wading in should understand both sides before handing over their heart or their home address.

Start with the upside, because there is a real one. Dating through a screen tends to carry less day-to-day friction than the in-person version. You aren't physically out together yet, so there's no squabble over which restaurant or whether to split the check. Yelling at each other is also harder to pull off over a phone or a laptop. Couples whose relationship lives mostly online report fewer blowups, partly because the whole thing feels a step removed from reality. A problem that would feel crushing face to face can seem smaller when it arrives as text. And since the two of you aren't in each other's company constantly, there's more room to be patient and settle disagreements instead of letting them fester.

There's also the appeal of not knowing everything. Being unable to watch what the other person is up to around the clock keeps a certain pull alive. Some people would rather get to know a personality first, without the pressure of physical attraction crowding in, and they tend to weigh character over looks. A lot of the fun is in the slow reveal: offering up pieces of yourself and watching your match do the same. If you have never laid eyes on the person, picturing what they might look like can be its own kind of thrill. Mystery is exactly what some daters are after, and a profile and a chat window deliver it.

Written-only contact forces you to get better at saying what you mean. When emails, texts, chat sessions and social platforms are the entire channel, word choice carries enormous weight, and messages still manage to go sideways. Picture a match who texts something a little pointed about your appearance. Maybe it was a joke, but a line of text strips out tone, so you can't read the intent, and suddenly you're fuming. Treat written messages with some skepticism, and give the other person a chance to explain before you detonate. The same constraint sharpens your problem-solving. You can't drive over and hash things out in person, so you're pushed to resolve conflicts through the keyboard, which means leaning on actual communication strategies rather than proximity to smooth things over.

Now the parts that should give you pause. The moment you're involved with someone online, you're exposed to catfishing, which is the polite word for being lied to about who a person really is. Sometimes the lie is just a flattering photo. Other times it stacks up across finances, family, a criminal record, education, even the personality itself. Not everyone behind a screen is decent, so be deliberate about what you share with people you've only met through a site.

The reason for the caution is blunt: some people will use what you tell them to drain your bank account, and in the worst cases to hurt you. If something feels off, trust that. Don't talk yourself out of a bad gut feeling just because you badly want this to work or want to be married. When the voice in your head says run, listen to it. Online services draw every kind of person, the con artist and the genuinely lonely alike, and you rarely get to tell which is which up front. The profile may describe someone who adores animals and weekends with family while the real person is working an angle. Keep your phone number, address, full name and workplace to yourself until you've spent enough time with this person to feel genuinely comfortable.

Once you move to meeting in person, don't let them collect you at your door for the first several dates. Pick somewhere public. Tell a friend or relative where you're headed, who you're seeing and when you expect to be back. If you can manage one, run a background check before you commit to a meetup. A date is not worth your safety, so stay alert the first time you come face to face with a stranger.

The last drawback is distance. Early on especially, you aren't seeing each other regularly, which means physical closeness is scarce. Falling for someone you can't reach out and touch is genuinely hard, and that gap can strain the relationship. Don't let that rush you. There's no clock on when you should meet or become intimate, so go at the pace your gut sets and start small (a hug, a kiss) if that's what feels right. If the other person won't respect your need to wait, that's your answer, and you're better off finding someone who will.

Love can turn up in odd places, screen or no screen, and where it begins doesn't make it less real. Yes, online dating has its downsides, but so does meeting the old-fashioned way. Stay careful, don't hurry, and a good match has time to grow. If someone is right for you, the patience pays off. - Dr. R. Y. Langham

References: Ishii, K. (2010). Conflict management in online relationships. Cyberpsychology Behavior Social Network, 13(4), 365-370. Scott, V. M., Mottarella, K. E., & Lavooy, M. J. (2007). Does virtual intimacy exist? A brief exploration into reported levels of intimacy in online relationships. Cyberpsychology & Behavior, 9(6), 759-761. Statistic Brain. (2014). Online dating statistics.

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