The Importance of Romantic Behavior

Love ranks among the better things a person gets to feel, and romantic love does something particular: it changes how you see ordinary life, giving it a weight and color it didn't have before. At the start, you're eager. You want to impress the person, so you reach for big gestures that announce your desire and devotion. Then time passes. The grand moves shrink. Once the honeymoon fades, courting quietly gives way to comfort, and romance gets filed down to a handful of dates on the calendar that you observe a few times a year.

Which raises a strange question. If love feels good enough that people spend years searching for someone to share it with, why do so many of us let it go slack the moment we actually have it? You can want the effect of love every day. You can want your partner to know, without doubt, how much the relationship matters to you. Saying the words is cheap. Proving it asks for something you have to actually do.

And while romance looks outward, pointed at another person, the qualities underneath it (thoughtfulness, affection, attention) begin inside you. The more you tend to what you feel for your partner, the more expressive and considerate you become as a person. The gesture is downstream of that.

Why Love Is Important

There's a chemical story behind the feeling. Meet someone attractive, sense a connection, and your heart picks up, your head goes a little light, a kind of giddiness spreads through you. That's your brain dosing you with oxytocin, phenethylamine, and dopamine, signaling that a possible mate is nearby. It's old wiring. Plenty of species court, bond, and perform rituals to hold a partner's attention.

People carry extra needs most animals don't. We don't only groom and posture to keep rivals away. We build deep, monogamous bonds that supply security, joy, and something close to spiritual support.

Research backs up the idea that being loved is good for the body and the mind. Married people tend to need fewer doctor visits and hospital stays. Healthy marriages track with lower rates of depression, and with less alcohol and drug abuse among married people. Those happy in their marriages show better blood pressure than single people, while people stuck in unhappy marriages show the worst readings of all. Contentedly married people carry less stress and anxiety. Couples report less pain, fewer colds, and quicker recovery. People in happy, healthy relationships even tend to live longer.

Choose to Be More Romantic

Romance doesn't arrive on its own. It's a decision you keep making, and it costs effort. Movies and romance novels hand us a few hours of it at a time and quietly set our expectations for how it should feel. Life refuses to run on that script. A long relationship that stays healthy leans on kindness, consideration, and romantic gestures offered regularly, not seasonally.

As the two of you age, your needs shift, and so do theirs. Growing side by side is the point. You can't build a strong couple, though, without growing as an individual first, so figure out what you need from your partner, say it out loud, and ask them to do the same. Try to look at the person with the eyes of new love, even when old hurts and pet peeves make that hard. Work on yourself before you expect the bond to hold. Once those shifts settle in, the small gestures start to feed the relationship and keep it standing.

The ABC's of Romance

Attention: give it fully. Even when your partner is recounting some forgettable thing from work, set down whatever you're holding, turn toward them, and listen.

Be kind: courtesy and gratitude keep a relationship running. Say thank you often, even for something as small as the trash going out. Notice what they do for you. Be respectful, and be useful.

Compliment: at least once a day, tell them they look good, and be specific about it. Mention the outfit, or how they did their hair. Specifics read as desire.

Date: nobody is too old or too busy. If life keeps crowding it out, schedule the date nights so nothing can.

Excitement: you don't have to be some great seducer, just occasionally unpredictable. Surprise them with a trip, a picnic, breakfast in bed, or a kiss they weren't expecting.

Flirt: tease each other the way you once did. Hold eye contact. Leave notes. Mind your appearance. Brush against them. Joke around. Smile.

Goodbyes: make leaving and turning in for the night mean something. Say I love you every time. Kiss every time. Let them feel that they'll be missed and that you're already looking forward to the next time you're together.

Melissa Lavery, M.S.