Single and Happy: The Bigger Picture

"I'm tired of being single." I hear that sentence from women far more often than from men. For whatever reason, plenty of men seem able to sit comfortably in their own company, satisfied, while women struggle with it more. Part of it might be simple math. There are more men than women in some circles, which hands men a wider set of options. But being on your own is not a catastrophe, and the people you see married or coupled up who look so content? You don't have to go home with them.

We aren't built for solitude. Every one of us carries a need to be close to someone and to belong to a group. The trouble is that a constant ache of loneliness can actually shrink your odds of finding a partner, because it leaks out of you. You walk around looking defeated, and nobody is drawn to a sour face.

A common mistake is jumping into something new right after a breakup. Dating someone else doesn't fix loneliness. It muffles the fear of being alone for a little while, then the fear comes back, usually because you dragged all your old baggage into the fresh relationship and sabotaged it. You might catch yourself lowering your standards, handing over control, letting the other person run the show.

The more I listen to people describe their marriages and relationships, the more I hesitate about wanting one of my own. Then I catch myself and refuse to stay discouraged, and you shouldn't let yourself go there either. Keep your distance from the people who do nothing but trash their partners. Their advice is poison, and they make companionship sound like a prison sentence. When someone actually has a good thing, they don't need to broadcast it.

So, how do you stay single and stay happy?

Learn to be alone. If you can't tolerate your own company, you'll fall for anyone who shows up. You'll date whoever walks through the door and wake up next to a frog instead of a prince. Unsuitable men can smell desperation from across the room, and whether they know they're doing it or not, the ones who seek out a desperate woman want control. They get it by feeding on her fear of ending up alone. Some of my colleagues look at my life and assume I have no problems, so they're stunned to learn I don't have a boyfriend. But the absence of a boyfriend isn't what makes me happy. I'm happy because I'm content with my life, and because I've figured out that loneliness is a state of mind. Once you can genuinely be by yourself, you discover how much you already carry inside you to draw on.

Keep single people around you. A woman on her own doesn't need to spend all her time with married couples and people deep in committed relationships. For one, they talk endlessly about their relationship. For another, they have a curfew. And the part I can't stand: they only want you around for the occasional girls' night out. You need friends you can actually talk to and relate to, people who don't leave you feeling like the third wheel. When a single friend does pair off, her focus shifts to the new relationship and her attention to you fades. That's why she suddenly has no time when you're low, especially on Valentine's Day. Don't take it to heart. Find your good single friends and spend time with them while you take as long as you need to decide when and how you want your own relationship.

Stop talking about it. Quit narrating your sadness about not having a man. People burn out on it. I used to wonder why my friends rushed to hang up or let out a sigh when they saw my name on the caller ID. They were exhausted by my pity parties. Harping on the woe-is-me story just breeds worse thoughts about yourself and pushes everyone away.

Do you. What I hate most is being pitied. I know it comes from a kind place, but I'm in no rush to leap into anything before I know what I actually want. Pick up a hobby. Do the things you love. Keeping yourself busy with what you enjoy leaves no room for the pity party, and you start to appreciate the freedom that comes with being single. After my breakup I started working out, kept going with school, and traveled. I felt better, and the loneliness that had been so sharp right after the split dulled down. I dropped weight in all the right places and lived fully, and now my exes can't stand that they let me go. More to the point, you'll be happy, and that happiness is what pulls the right man toward you.

I like to sit with my own life and reflect, and it keeps reminding me I'm better off than a lot of my coupled-up friends. Yes, I feel alone sometimes and want company. But then I think back on my old relationships and feel grateful I didn't lock myself into something that would have been wrong and left me miserable. Ask yourself: do you want to be the woman in the office reeling off everything she hates about her husband, or do you want to take the time to choose well and build a happy life with someone, until death do you part?

- Heather Browning, MBA, BA