Sex, Depression, and Your Relationships

Think back on the relationships you've had. A lot of us, myself included, end up building a mental list of what we hope to find in a partner, the qualities we picture in a soul mate. One thing to keep in mind: no single person checks every box, so compromise becomes part of the deal. And where does sex land on that list for you? People often try to shrink its importance, but it sits right alongside respect, love, communication, and intelligence as something that matters.

Sex is wonderful, usually. The complication shows up when your partner is rarely, if ever, interested. That gap can wear a relationship down over time. The situation gets harder still when the person you love is dealing with depression, and there are concrete reasons a depressed partner tends to stay "not in the mood." Depression is a medical condition where someone feels sad, hopeless, and unimportant, often unable to experience their own life as normal (2015). Those feelings of hopelessness tend to spill into the bedroom.

Jeff Stein's piece, Can Depression Ruin Your Sex Drive, is a useful read on how depressed people relate to sex and what else drags their desire down. Stein points out that depression touches every corner of a person's life, and the wish to have sex can fade along with everything else (2015). If your boyfriend, girlfriend, or spouse isn't in the mood, that's not something you caused. A depressed person may feel inadequate, and that feeling colors how they view sex. It really isn't about you.

Medication adds another layer. People taking antidepressants frequently notice their sex drive drop off. The reason is mechanical: many widely prescribed drugs, Lexapro among them, list reduced libido as a side effect. Antidepressants exist to help someone manage depression (2015), and one of the trade-offs can be feeling that orgasm is out of reach. There's no cause for panic, though. It's a side effect, and a normal sex drive generally comes back once the medication is stopped at the end of treatment. In his article Depression and Sexual Health, Dale Kiefer notes that 70 percent of people with depression will run into sexual dysfunction, with women more likely to be affected (2012).

So the next question is practical: how do you handle being with a partner who has depression? Step one is honest with yourself about whether you want to be in that relationship at all. It can be draining, partly because the lows and the sense of worthlessness may not make sense to you from the outside. Depressed people often turn critical and overthink both situations and their own emotions. Many operate from an all-or-nothing place, and some become convinced they don't deserve you, which can push them to act out or even quietly undermine the relationship. If you choose to stay, go in expecting some rough patches, and stay in their corner.

The single best thing you can offer is support. Become the person your partner leans on, and trust tends to grow from there. Alongside that, read up on depression and its symptoms. It's a complicated disorder, but even a general grasp of it will steady you as you move through the relationship. Patience and sensitivity matter more than anything else here, because they're what gets communication flowing. Depressed people struggle to open up, so couples therapy can help, and walking through that process with your partner can speed up their recovery. Therapy sharpens how the two of you communicate and deepens your understanding of what they're facing.

Good therapy digs into the roots of why your partner feels the way they do. Maybe they react badly when you raise your voice in an argument because of an earlier abusive relationship, for instance. Over time you learn which moves set off what they'd call a red flag, and you learn to steer clear of them. After a handful of sessions together, you can begin repairing the physical side of things too.

And if none of this lands, if you've worked through every suggestion here and everything else you could think of? Sometimes walking away is the kindest option left. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink. Letting go is painful, yet now and then it serves both people better. Before any big decision, though, sit with yourself first and figure out what the real answer is for you.

- Heather Browning, MBA

Kiefer, D. (March 29, 2012). Depression and Sexual Health. Retrieved January 21, 2015. Merriam-Webster Dictionary. Depression. Retrieved January 21, 2015. Merriam-Webster Dictionary. Antidepressant. Retrieved January 21, 2015. Stein, J. (n.d.). Can Depression Ruin Your Sex Drive? Retrieved January 21, 2015.