Resolving Conflicts in a Mixed Family

The Step Family Foundation (2015) estimated that roughly 1,300 new step-families form every single day, and close to half of American families now include a step-parent or a non-biological partner. If you live in a blended household and you are stuck in the middle of a family dispute right now, the good news is that there are workable ways out. Joining a family that already has its own habits and routines in place can wear you down. Merging two separate households is rarely smooth.

Think about what is actually happening. Two families, each carrying its own way of seeing things, its own personalities, histories, parenting habits, likes and dislikes, are being asked to share a life. Kids feel this more sharply than anyone, because change rattles them. If you are walking into a new family and bringing your own children along, take the time to learn who everyone is, one person at a time. Building a separate bond with each member gives you a real shot at settling the friction that comes up.

Respect, compromise, communication, empathy, and a willingness to understand the other person are what move things forward. Shut those lines down, or leave them muddy, and the house turns tense and quarrels start to feed on themselves. You do not have to let that happen to a home that could be happy. The suggestions below are meant to help you work through conflict in a blended family.

Start by being realistic. Set expectations you can actually meet, and resist the urge to judge or press the other members. Children in these situations usually settle in only with room and time. Even after you have poured effort into getting close, do not count on a flood of love, respect, and acceptance arriving overnight. Let each person come toward you at their own pace. Push, and it tends to blow back on you.

Patience matters too, and it matters most with the kids. When a child is wary of you, meeting that with frustration or anger makes it worse. A child who has lived through a divorce may carry real distrust of the adults around them. Give everyone space to get used to the new arrangement, and wait for them to come to you rather than forcing the moment.

Stay open and honest, always. Pretending to be someone you are not just to win people over will come back around. Family members sense the performance, feel lied to, and pull away. If someone asks you something and you do not have the answer, say so, and offer to figure it out together. Let them speak their minds without cutting in. When a person wants to share what they think or feel or believe, listen, and give your take only if they ask for it. Children in particular need to feel heard inside a family, and a blended one especially. They want to know you are paying attention, that you value and respect them. Keep that channel open and you may head off the acting out that grows from fear, loneliness, neglect, sadness, anger, or frustration.

Early on, sort out who plays what role. A lot of conflict comes from confusion about where each person fits in the new setup. You can sidestep much of it by presenting yourself as a friend, a guide, or a mentor rather than a parent, an enforcer, or the one who hands out punishment. Come in as an authority figure and resentment builds, which only fuels the arguments you were hoping to avoid.

Write the house rules together. Sit down as a group and agree on what counts as acceptable behavior, and pull suggestions from everyone at the table. Once the rules and guidelines are down on a chalkboard or a poster, hang it somewhere everyone passes, the kitchen or the living room. Why bother? Because it cuts down on mixed signals and on claims that someone is getting special treatment. A posted list is harder to quietly bend.

Take your disagreements with your spouse behind closed doors. Do not argue things out where other family members, the children above all, can watch. Agree to disagree in private. Kids need to believe they belong to a family that holds together and cares about them, and a steady, positive environment usually draws steady, positive behavior out of them. They watch their parents and copy what they see. If you want a step-child to handle conflict in a healthy way, that is the behavior you have to show them.

- Dr. R. Y. Langham

References: Kemp, G., Segal, J. & Robinson, L. (2015). Step-parenting and blended families. Help Guide. Parents. (2015). Blended families. The Step Family Foundation. (2015). Stepfamily statistics.