Reignite the Fire in Your Marriage

Have things with your spouse started to feel flat? Maybe you keep reaching back for that spark from the early days, or you've caught yourself thinking the marriage just isn't fun the way it used to be. If any of that sounds familiar, boredom may have crept in. And boredom is rarely harmless. It tends to drag other things down with it. Conversations get shorter. You stop doing things together. For more than a year my husband and I were living in that exact state, two people sharing a house and not much else, and a lot of it came from me being bored (he probably was too). It took him raising the idea of separating for me to realize we couldn't keep going like that.

So I told him. I said I was bored and that I wanted to feel close to him again. From there we started testing a few changes, and they've actually helped pull us out of the rut. The good news is that boredom isn't a life sentence for a marriage, and it doesn't have to stay. What follows are some of the things that worked for us.

Spend real time with each other. The rush you feel at the start of a relationship won't hang around forever, that's just how it goes, but losing that first thrill doesn't mean fun is off the table. You can still build enjoyment into the marriage on purpose.

Let yourselves be spontaneous once in a while. One of the big reasons a marriage drifts into boredom (and mine is proof) is that the unplanned moments disappear. Sure, there are stretches where life demands schedules and plans, especially when the household is busy. But a locked-in calendar every single day isn't the only option. Some weekend, climb in the car and drive somewhere without mapping it out first. On a day you both have off, pick something fun on a whim, or take turns catching each other off guard with a surprise.

Try surprise dates and swap who's in charge of them. A mistake a lot of wives make is assuming their husband has no interest in romance or being surprised. Plenty of them do. In my own marriage, part of why my husband wasn't taking me out as often was that he wanted me to step up and plan some outings too. So even if a date night has to be scheduled in advance, alternate who does the planning. Whoever's turn it is keeps the details a secret from the other. It turns into something to look forward to, and it gets you time together either way.

Bring some lightness into ordinary days. When you've been with someone a long time, the sameness can start to feel dull, and that usually comes from repeating the same routine with nothing new mixed in. Everyday life can still hold fun, though. Tickle each other. Read a book side by side. Tease, crack jokes, do whatever gets the two of you grinning. More laughter in a day means less room for boredom to settle.

The fun can come back. Once you or your spouse feels that dullness returning, do something about it rather than waiting it out. Shuffle the schedule. Carve out more time together. Go on a date. Find a reason to laugh. There's no shortage of options. A marriage is supposed to be something you enjoy, so don't hand it over to boredom. - Cara