On Repeat: Stop Negativity at Its Roots

Is there one thing in your life that keeps coming back, no matter how many times you push it away? Maybe it's overeating, maybe it's a substance you lean on, maybe it's some habit that pulls your whole week off course. You get some distance from it, then somehow you circle right back. If that sounds familiar, you're in the same boat as nearly everyone walking around on this planet. Wanting to actually do something about it, though, already says a lot about you.

My own list was not short. Alcohol was on it. So was wrecking my relationships, and quitting on goals before I ever reached them. Those three did the most damage, and I bring them up because I've met plenty of people wrestling with the exact same ones. They make a decent starting point.

There's a thing all of these patterns share. Behind each repeated behavior sits a core issue, and that core issue is the reason you keep going back. Clear out the issue underneath and the pattern loses its grip. Keep treating the surface behavior and it keeps returning. So the real work is digging down to whatever is actually driving it.

Step one is naming the pattern. You already know you have at least one; being human pretty much guarantees it. Write down the behavior you want gone, then ask yourself whether you're ready to trade it for a steadier, happier way of living. If the answer is yes, the next move is finding the root. The pattern itself comes apart once the root is handled.

A common root: you don't really love yourself, or you put everybody else ahead of yourself every single time. Think about whether you shelve your own needs to meet someone else's wants. Notice whether the voice in your head talks down to you or runs you down. A yes to either one points to this issue. Two things help here. Do one thing purely for yourself every day. And practice saying no to people on the small stuff, just to get the muscle working.

Another root shows up when your life has gone flat. Does your daily routine bore you? Does the work you do feel like nothing? Can you name a single hobby that genuinely lights you up, or are you frowning more hours than you're smiling? If any of that lands, odds are you aren't enjoying your life. Go hunt for something fun to do with your time. And if the job is the problem, consider moving to one you'd actually like.

The trickiest root is not understanding your own pattern. This one got me when I was tearing through relationships. I kept telling myself I just couldn't find a decent guy. Sometimes that was fair, sure, but mostly the problem was me, and I was the one feeding the pattern. I would bend over backward to please whoever I was with while ignoring my own needs. I'd guilt trip them for not letting me do things I had no real intention of doing anyway, because doing them would have made me feel bad, or made me pretend to feel bad (I'm still not sure which).

The cause wasn't what I'd assumed, in other words. Once I saw the actual one, I could change it. My husband and I were close to divorce, and now the marriage is getting better.

Find the core issue under your pattern and you can break the pattern. Do that work. You'll be glad you did. - Cara