Learning to Forgive

Are you still carrying resentment toward people who hurt you? Does an old wrong flare up and leave you angry at odd moments during the week? A yes to either one is a sign that something inside you hasn't settled. Plenty of people live this way, and it doesn't have to be permanent. The people who caused the pain can be forgiven.

I spent more than ten years convinced I had let certain things go. I hadn't. The hurt kept chewing on my sense of worth, and as that eroded, so did the rest of my life. My attention stayed fixed on what had been done to me, and that fixation blocked out whatever good was actually around me. Roughly three months ago, with help from counseling and from people who cared enough to be honest with me, it became clear that I couldn't keep going like that. The pain had to be set down. Forgiveness had to happen. That didn't mean becoming friends again with anyone. It just meant releasing the grudge.

I had no plan at first. I couldn't picture how forgiveness would even arrive, let alone how I'd move through the hurt. Eventually I worked out an approach that fit me.

So how do you actually get there? If holding on has become a habit, loosening your grip takes effort. But clearing that weight changes how you live. Carrying pain, even the emotional kind, dulls your ability to notice and value the things that matter most to you. There are several ways to reach the forgiveness you're after. These are the ones that worked for me.

Start with a list. Write down the names of everyone who has caused you pain. Seeing it on paper gives you a picture of how much you've been dragging around. Next to each name, note the kind of hurt or feeling involved, and how long you've been holding it.

Pick one person to forgive first, then plan it out. I'd suggest beginning with whoever hurt you most recently, since that wound is sometimes the simplest to release. If that doesn't feel right, flip it and start with the oldest injury instead. Once you've chosen, decide what you'll say. The point is forgiveness, not blame, so leave the accusations out. Settle on a place for the conversation and a time to have it.

Then act. With a person in mind and a plan in hand, you can follow through. One condition matters: when you go to offer it, you have to mean it, fully and without reservation. You don't owe anyone a renewed relationship. The forgiveness simply needs to be real in your heart and your head.

Forgiveness is one of the things that opens the door to more happiness. Offer it to the people who've hurt you, and you tend to find more room for joy in your own life. Clinging to the hurt only keeps damaging you and your self-esteem. You can put it down now. Work through the steps above and move past it. - Cara