Defensive Behavior and What It Does to Your Relationships

Every relationship runs on the behaviors the two people bring to it. How each person acts, day in and day out, shapes whether the thing holds together or slowly comes apart. Defensiveness is one of those behaviors that quietly does damage, because it pulls you toward reaction instead of connection. Getting clear on what it is, and how it shows up with your partner, your coworkers, your family, and your friends, puts you in a position to settle it down in the moments it isn't actually needed.

So what counts as defensive behavior? It isn't a habit you picked up somewhere. The wiring for it is already in your brain from the start. The pattern kicks in when you read something as a threat: part of your attention stays on the actual situation, but a larger share gets redirected toward protecting yourself. Left alone, that protective reflex can curdle into something genuinely destructive. People stuck permanently on guard tend to have a rougher time building a career, holding relationships together, and simply feeling settled.

It tends to surface in one of three modes. Some people go passive, pulling inward and going quiet the moment they feel cornered. Others handle it assertively, naming what they need and drawing clear lines around it. And some get aggressive, throwing blame around and lashing out, either with words or physically.

Feeling defensive when you think you or your character is being attacked unfairly is a normal human response. The work is in reining those feelings in and finding a calmer, more measured way to voice them. Do that, and you strip out a lot of the harm defensiveness causes. A handful of habits can help you lean on it less.

Say how you actually feel. If someone hurts you, tell them. Being straight about it gives the other person a chance to make it right, which means you never have to slip into defense mode in the first place.

Raise the issue and work to fix it. When something bothers you, put it out there so it can be dealt with. This is conflict with a point to it. The other person may have no idea their behavior is landing badly on you, and speaking up is what makes them aware enough to change course.

Don't swallow it. If something's sitting on your mind, voice it, but voice it in a way that doesn't push the other person onto the defensive. Learning to give criticism that someone can actually use matters here. You want to talk in a way that leaves them feeling capable of making the change rather than shut down. The flip side counts too: you have to be able to take criticism yourself without your guard shooting up.

Resist the urge to disappear. Some people, once a situation makes them feel defensive, protect themselves by withdrawing from it entirely. That leaves the real problem untouched and lets it keep growing. Staying put in a situation that makes you feel defensive is a risk, and it's one worth taking.

Work on yourself. A lot of how often and how hard you go defensive traces back to you. Building up your self-esteem and paying attention to how you react makes a real difference. Confident people reach for defensiveness far less.

Nobody is immune to this, which is exactly why awareness is the thing. Start by admitting to yourself that you do get defensive when you sense an attack coming or already underway. From there, use what's above to take the edge off the reflex. Changing a behavior takes time, so be patient with yourself and put in a little effort every day. You're reworking something that's been part of you for your whole life, and that doesn't happen overnight.

- Rosemary Kitchen

Resources: Grohol, J. (2007). 15 Common Defense Mechanisms. Retrieved on March 6, 2015 from psychcentral.com.