Building a Better Relationship with Your Step-Children

If connecting with your step-child feels harder than you expected, you're in large company. Pew research from 2010 found that roughly 48% of American adults have at least one step-parent, and the National Stepfamily Resource Center (2015) notes that 30% of those adults report a step-sibling or half-sibling somewhere in the mix. Joining a blended family rattles everyone involved. For a child who just lived through a divorce, the shake-up runs deeper still.

Try to keep in mind that your step-child arrived carrying a wound. The life they knew got turned over. The intact family they probably wished for, two parents under one roof, is gone and isn't coming back. A younger child may not have words for any of it. A teenager might be churning through anger, sadness, resentment, annoyance, and plain confusion all at once. If the two of you aren't clicking the way you pictured, that's not a verdict on you. There are concrete things you can do to steer the relationship somewhere better.

Start by being realistic about your role. You are not this child's mother or father, and that matters more than it might seem. Living under the same roof doesn't obligate the child to you, and strictly speaking they don't have to obey you either. Respect, yes. But the job of setting rules and handing out consequences belongs to the biological parents. What you can offer is steadiness: treat your step-child with kindness, make them feel valued, and most will warm to you as months pass. Pushing for quick acceptance tends to backfire and leaves your own feelings bruised. Give the child room to figure out where you fit. When they sense you actually care, the respect usually follows on its own.

Understanding goes a long way, even on the rough days. A step-child who acts like a hellion may be wrestling with the divorce, the new household, and, if they're a teenager, the ordinary storm of adolescence stacked on top. Extend the benefit of the doubt when they act out. When they want to talk, listen, and hold back your advice unless they ask for it. Children especially often just want to be heard without getting fixed. Be the person who can sit with that. Show some empathy for someone whose world recently got blown apart.

Praise helps too, so look for chances to give it. Notice when your step-child reaches a goal or works to improve at something. A hard biology test comes back with an A: "Great job, Ashley. You're so smart. I wish I'd pulled grades like that at your age." A bold new look, maybe a fresh hair color: "Wow, Sam, that shade really brings out your eyes." The point is to lift the child up rather than tear them down with blame, judgment, or criticism. Carry that positivity into your marriage as well. Compliment your spouse where your step-child can see it, because a child who watches a loving marriage tends to soften. Keep the arguments and the disagreements out of view. Marriage problems belong behind a closed door.

Here's a piece of advice that sounds backwards: step away from discipline. Leave it to the biological parents. If your step-child does something that upsets, scares, or hurts you, bring it to your spouse and let the two birth parents decide on any consequence. Doling out punishment isn't your place. And a caution worth taking seriously: even if your spouse says it's fine for you to punish the child, don't. In many cases a parent will quietly resent you for disciplining their kid, and that buried resentment can breed friction in the marriage. Nobody in the house benefits from that, least of all the child.

Don't try to manufacture closeness. Let your step-child come to you on their own clock. Say plainly that you're around anytime they want to talk, then leave it there. They'll approach when they're ready and not a second sooner, no matter how much you'd like it to happen today. Patience is the whole game here.

It also helps to remember the tension is temporary. Your step-child grows up and eventually moves out, and once they do the relationship tends to ease on its own, provided you treated them with kindness and respect along the way. You'll probably miss them more than you expect, so spend the years you share well. Yes, you'll finally have your spouse to yourself, but you may also feel the hollow space the child leaves behind. Do what you can to improve things now. If the two of you can't work through it on your own, family counseling is there.

Dr. R. Y. Langham

References: Kemp, G., Segal, J. & Robinson, L. (2015). Step-parenting and blended families. Help Guide. Parents. (2015). Blended families. National Stepfamily Resource Center. (2015). Stepfamily fact sheet.