Strengthen Your Romance by Developing Yourself

Being in a committed relationship means you probably want to pull your own weight and keep things healthy. One practical way to do that is to build a personal development plan centered on the relationship. The point is to surface the things you could handle better, then actually address them. Along the way you also get a clear look at what you already do well, which you can lean on. Putting the plan together is not hard. The hard part comes later, because the exercise asks you to examine yourself closely, and that tends to stir up a lot of feeling. When you grow, your partner tends to feel the difference too, and the bond gets steadier.

Confidence comes first, and it matters more than anything else on the list. You want to feel sure of yourself and sure that the two of you are on solid ground. Expect this stage to take the longest. It sets up everything that follows, which is exactly why you tackle it before the rest. Be straight with yourself about where your confidence actually sits. Nobody is fully confident, so a low reading is not a reason to feel discouraged. Treat it as fuel for the work ahead.

After that, look at your insecurities one by one. We all carry them, and pretending otherwise keeps you stuck. You cannot face down a fear you refuse to name, so give yourself a little time to write out what makes you feel exposed and how heavy each one feels.

Self-esteem is the next piece. Confidence and self-esteem are related but not identical, and feeling at ease with who you are is one of the supports a good partnership rests on. Figure out where yours runs thin, then start taking small steps to firm it up. The payoff reaches well past romance; it touches work, friendships, everything.

Think about the boundaries between you and your partner, and whether they hold. Strong boundaries are not a sign you are withholding part of yourself. They usually point to a relationship that is in decent shape. Sit down together and talk through what each of you needs, where the lines are for each person individually. Getting both of you talking about this out loud keeps you aligned and tends to deepen trust.

Look squarely at why earlier relationships ended. The reasons are there whether you want to see them or not, and naming them is how you keep from walking into the same hole again. This part can sting. Do it anyway.

There will be things in your current relationship that bother you. That is normal; everyone has a short list. Write yours down without softening it, then bring it to your partner so you can both lay your cards on the table and talk it through as equals.

Keep your partner involved from the start, since the whole exercise is about the connection between you. When you ask a question and get an answer back, hear it as something useful rather than an attack. The feedback is raw material for becoming a happier version of yourself, and a happier you tends to make for a better relationship.

Pull all of this together into a plan, and feel free to add whatever fits your own situation and what you want for yourself and the relationship. At bottom the plan is about you: your confidence, your self-esteem, the parts of yourself you want to work on. The stronger relationship is a by-product. If you are only doing it to fix the relationship and not for your own sake, you will get a fraction of what it can offer.

References: fromquarkstoquasars.com (the science of love infographic) and attitudes4innovation.com (on why self-development is a field worth being in).