I Don't Want to Hang Out with You!

I'm an African American woman working in the South, and I want you to sit with a couple of questions before you read any further. Do you keep ending up at the lunch table by yourself? Do your coworkers barely acknowledge you, so you walk around feeling like you wandered into the wrong building? If that sounds familiar, what you're running into is peer pressure wearing a work badge. People pull away from anyone who doesn't quite blend in, and the engine behind that is usually some mix of fear and plain ignorance.

Plenty of workplaces are rough on new hires, and that gets sharper for minorities who land in a conservative office. Mine was like that too, though I didn't fully register it until I ran a small test on myself. I flipped my usual approach with a few people. I stopped initiating. I waited for them to say something to me first. Most of my coworkers never worked up the nerve, so I spent a lot of hours on my own. Here's what I kept telling myself through it: you don't owe these people anything.

Wherever you clock in, somebody is going to assume you were hired to fill a quota rather than because you earned it. I learned that firsthand. Later I had a family emergency and took a leave, and when I came back almost nobody asked how my sick relative was doing. That stung, mostly because I had been warm and open with every one of them beforehand.

Then there are the ones who shrink themselves to survive, the people who act a certain way because they're convinced it's the only way to hold onto the job. They can make you feel like the broken one, like they can't be near you because you read as too "ghetto." I'd genuinely like someone to define that word for me. I have never been embarrassed about who I am. My standard was simple: stay professional, carry myself like a lady, and let the rest of it go.

So where does peer pressure fit into all this? A lot of coworkers will lean on you to match the office mold because they've decided their way of behaving is the correct one. And don't overlook the coworkers who actually like you but feel squeezed into picking you or the group. Don't write them off. They just aren't as sturdy as you are. My belief, over and over, is that people are unnerved by anyone competent, confident, and sharp who refuses to apologize for themselves. Some bosses read a lack of chumminess as proof that you're the problem, and that read can quietly drag down your reviews. I suspect a lot of it is regional, though I've only ever worked in the South, so I can't swear to it.

Here's what I'd tell you to do with it.

Be cordial. Don't hand anyone the power to steal your mood. Coworkers may get a kick out of freezing you out and watching you squirm, because you're a target to them. Stay pleasant anyway, even when someone says something ugly. People are watching to clock your reaction.

Hold your composure. Anger and sadness are fair. Just don't let someone foolish bait you into acting out at work. If you need to cry, do it where nobody can see. Answer like an adult and skip the petty jabs and the gossip, or you've just signed up for the drama.

Be yourself. I've repeated this all through here, and that's on purpose, because it's the one thing I most want you to keep. You don't have to dissolve into your surroundings. Behave appropriately for the workplace, sure, but you're not required to nod along with everyone's opinions or pretend to love their hobbies. Figure out what you actually like and want.

Don't quit. After enough of this I grew thick skin. I don't say much now. I smile and I keep moving. There were stretches where I badly wanted to walk out, until it hit me that leaving just hands the win to people who were never on my side. That said, some things do demand a response, so if you land in a real jam, think before you move. You can speak up for yourself without sinking to ugly words and ugly behavior.

- Heather Browning, MBA, BA