How to Think More Positively When You're Up Against Hard Times

"When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on." Franklin D. Roosevelt said that, and plenty of people have had to live by it. Staying positive in the middle of trouble is genuinely hard for most of us, but it can be done, and doing it matters for how you grow.

Sliding into a negative headspace when life gets rough is almost effortless. A lot of people end up there without ever noticing the drift. And when they finally say something out loud, what they usually hear back is "Think positive" or "It'll get better with time." Nice words. For most people, though, that advice lands like a wall, because being positive isn't something they can flip on at will, especially while they're sad, stressed, buried, angry, or hurting.

Positivity comes more easily to some people than to others. If it doesn't come naturally to you, that does not make you a negative person. It just means you'll have to put in more work to get past the automatic negative thoughts and reactions before a more positive way of living can take hold.

When things go wrong, try not to leap straight to the worst-case version in your head. Push those thoughts aside and go looking for the small bit of light in the dark, because it is there even when it's hidden. Take the sour situations and squeeze something sweeter out of them. Keep your attention on what's good in your life and the negativity tends to thin out on its own.

Two things make it work: determination and persistence. For most people, positivity is a decision. You can decide to stay positive even while you're getting knocked around, or you can sink into feeling sorry for yourself. Choose the second one and your personal growth stalls. You end up stuck in that long dark tunnel, and nobody actually wants to live there.

What follows are a few ways to meet difficulty with a better frame of mind.

Make changes, even the ones that sting. Most people resist change, but you need it if you want your thinking to shift. Change is what lets you grow, as a person and in every role you fill: friend, partner, spouse, sibling, parent, son or daughter. It feeds your development.

Understand that positive thinking grows out of how you see yourself, the people around you, and the world. That's a choice, and it takes effort. Almost nobody is positive every hour of every day. Just about everyone has to work at it, and the work gets harder when you're dealing with a loss, an illness, or a betrayal. Still, you can rearrange your life in ways that make positive thinking more likely.

Say a "friend" keeps making you feel small. You might need to let that friendship go, especially once you catch yourself joining in on the self-criticism. If a coworker is always belittling people and spreading gossip and you notice yourself copying that behavior, step away when they start. And if you've lost someone close and you're sinking deeper into depression surrounded by their belongings, it may be time to box those things up and give them to charity, or even move somewhere new. Changes like these can help you think more clearly all the time, not only during the worst stretches.

The good part about change is that it's active. It hands you a different angle on things and it puts some power back in your hands. Change can be painful, no argument there, but it can also improve your life in ways you didn't expect. Make room for it and you'll end up happier.

Spend time getting to know yourself. Ask the plain questions: How do I react when things get hard? What runs through my head first when I'm stressed or furious or upset? How did I handle the last bad thing that happened, and what would I change? What are the better ways I could respond to difficult people and situations? What makes me happy? What sets me off? What could I do to feel more satisfied?

Working through those questions helps you clear out the negativity, which is where more happiness comes from. You start to see who you really are, and that makes it easier to catch and counter the negative reactions. You also begin to spot the triggers that pull you toward dark thoughts, so you can interrupt them or steer around them. Figure out what you actually need, cut down your exposure to the people and things that stress or anger you, and point yourself toward whatever brings you joy.

Face your fears. Even the most grounded, well-developed people feel afraid when life turns on them. That's normal. What matters is getting through the fear instead of camping out in it, because meeting it head-on is the only route to a steadier mind. Fear does its damage by planting doubt, and doubt is what keeps the negativity running.

Confront the fear and the doubt loses its grip. You feel lighter and warmer toward yourself and other people. Free of fear and doubt, you can actually find answers to your problems and heal from the wounds. The glass stops looking half-empty and starts looking half-full.

Turn the negative thoughts into positive ones. It's more doable than it sounds. Start by reminding yourself that the bad stuff is temporary. It fades. Life keeps moving, so even when it feels like nothing will ever improve, it will, and joy will come back around. Wallowing is the one move guaranteed to make it worse. Pick yourself up one small step at a time and begin swapping the harsh thoughts for healthier ones.

When that voice in your head calls you unattractive, answer it: "I've got really cute dimples." When it calls you stupid, answer that too: "I'm not stupid, I earned Employee of the Month, and that's not easy." The trick is to stop yourself the moment you feel the slide starting. For most people this won't happen on its own. You have to make yourself do it. Put in that effort and your life moves forward in big jumps.

Dr. R. Y. Langham

References: Clear, J. (2013). The science of positive thinking: How positive thoughts build your skills, boost your health, and improve your work. Huffington Post. Ellesse. (n.d.). 50 inspirational positive quotes that make you think. Mayo Clinic. (2015). Positive thinking: Stop negative self-talk to reduce stress.