How to Stop Loving Someone After the Relationship Is Over

The author Ally Condie once described how the memories you treasured before a breakup turn into something painful afterward. The thoughts you used to replay, the moments you held up to examine from every angle, suddenly feel safer locked away in a box with the key thrown out. That impulse isn't bitterness. It's self-protection, a way of standing at the window to watch life rather than stepping back into it right away.

Maybe you're convinced you'll never recover from a love you've lost, or that nobody could possibly match up to the person who left. That feeling is far more common than it seems. Huge numbers of people sink into hopelessness when a relationship falls apart. Most of us picture a long future with the person we're with, and when that future dissolves, it hurts. Some breakups happen by mutual agreement. Plenty of others end in resentment, anger, and real hostility.

The reassuring part is that the loving does fade. Getting over an ex takes time, sometimes a great deal of it, but it happens. You'll probably carry leftover feelings for quite a while, and if things ended badly, the anger can linger for months or even years. Still, the particular pull you once felt will quietly disappear. You'll know you've healed when you can think about that person and feel neither sadness nor bitterness. The pain of your last relationship will not last forever, and in time you'll love someone again.

If you've decided you're ready to let go, here are some approaches that help.

Cry. Expect to do a lot of it. There's nothing wrong with tears. You've lost something that mattered to you, whether you wanted to or not, and you've earned a stretch of time to grieve and pull yourself back together. You miss the person, or at the very least you miss the relationship itself and the routines that came with it. So cry into your pillow or to a friend. If the tears won't come, hit a punching bag or a cushion until something loosens. However you let the pain out, let it out in a way that doesn't harm you, because grief that stays bottled up can't finish its work.

Get out of the old settings. Stay away from the spots you used to go together. Ease off, too, on the time you spend with friends the two of you had in common, since those gatherings can turn awkward and quietly pressure people into picking a side even when nobody asked them to. Tell those friends you're working through a breakup and need room to recover. Let them know you'll reach out if you need anything, and ask them to be patient with you for a while. Most of them will get it. Meanwhile, point yourself toward new company and new places: coworkers, relatives, friends from school who have nothing to do with your ex, restaurants you've never tried, activities that carry no memory of the two of you.

Turn the attention back on yourself. This may be the right moment to do the things that actually make you happy. If you've been meaning to drop a few pounds, join a gym or push your workouts harder. If you've wanted a different haircut, go get it exactly the way you like it. There's nobody to answer to now, and that freedom counts for something. When you catch yourself drifting back toward your ex, make other plans instead: a short getaway with a friend you trust, a concert, a massage, a night out with your crew, a run of long bubble baths. Chase whatever leaves you feeling good.

Clean up your phone. Delete your ex's number, email, and anything else that keeps them a tap away. Easy access makes the urge to call or text almost impossible to resist, and deleting the details (especially if you haven't memorized them) saves you from the midnight messages you'd regret. Do the same across social media. Unfollow, unfriend, and probably block on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. Staying connected only tempts you to check up on them, and the moment you see something or someone that stings, the anger and sadness come rushing back and the letting-go stalls.

Consider counseling. If you've worked through these ideas and still feel stuck, it may be time to talk to a mental health professional, whether a counselor, psychologist, therapist, clinical social worker, or psychiatrist. They can teach you practical ways to handle problems, communicate, and work through conflict. They also give you a private, safe space to say the things you can't say anywhere else, and they can walk you through grief so you can stop loving your ex and move forward.

References: Goodreads (2015), Quotes about breakups. Kim, J. (2011), "How to want to get over a breakup," Psychology Today. Meyers, S. (2012), "'It's over!' 10 breakup survival tips to get you through it," Huffington Post. Oprah (2004), "What to Do When You're Devastated After a Breakup."