How to Start Dating Again

Nicole Scherzinger once described her ideal partner this way: a man with a great sense of humor and intelligence, one who can make her laugh, someone ambitious and driven with a good heart who makes her feel safe. Strong, independent, confident, and still kind to the people around him. That mix of qualities is what a lot of people quietly keep in mind when they picture starting over.

Maybe you lost someone recently. Death, or just the slow drift of life pulling two people apart. However it happened, you made it through the grief, you have healed, and now something in you is ready to try again. The question is where to begin. The singles scene probably looks different from the last time you were in it, and that gap can feel bigger than it is. If those thoughts have been circling lately, ease up on yourself. You deserve to feel happy and appreciated, and you deserve to meet the person who makes you feel loved. That person is not going to materialize on your doorstep, though. You have to stay open to new experiences, and love is one of them. The first step belongs to today.

Go slow. Baby steps, genuinely. Healing from a loss does not mean the hurt, anger, mistrust, or sadness never surface again; they can still show up without warning. So when you meet someone you want to spend time with, resist the urge to dive in with both feet. Test the water instead. Grab coffee, tea, or ice cream with them. Meet for lunch or a small bite at a restaurant. During those first few meetings, caution matters most. Do not meet anyone in a private or secluded spot early on, and that includes their home. Tell a friend or two where you are headed and who you are seeing. Someone may seem completely harmless, but you cannot be certain yet, so err on the safe side. And there is no rush. You have all the time you need to get to know a person. If they push back on that pace, then they probably are not the right fit anyway.

You also have to let go. Let go of the anger, the pain, the resentment, the hostility, and whatever negativity you have been carrying. Full healing cannot happen while you grip the hurt from before. Opening yourself to new people means forgiving, both yourself and your ex. Dig into it and release it, if not for them, then for you and whatever relationships come next. An open heart and an open mind let you actually enjoy what life brings.

Try something you have not tried before. Routines are easy to slip back into, which is exactly why you should avoid them now. Always wanted to cook but never carved out the time? Sign up for a class or dust off whatever kitchen skills you already have. Been thinking about going back to school? Enroll in a course or two at a local college. A different haircut, a night out with friends, a new job search, a hobby, some volunteer work at a nearby agency, any of it counts. The point is to stay willing to branch out. Date someone outside your usual type while you are at it. It helps you figure out what you genuinely want in a partner, and you might find you have more in common with an unexpected person than you ever assumed.

Double dating is another way back in. Sharing the time with another couple takes the pressure off those tense early months of getting to know someone. If a double date still feels too intimate at that stage, go for group dating instead. Round up your friends, both the men and the women, and invite them along with your date to something casual. A bowling alley, a skating rink, an amusement park, a park, a restaurant. Being part of a bigger group lets the nerves settle.

Know what you actually want, or at least have a rough sense of it. What do you expect from a partner and from a relationship? A quiet, shy person or someone bubbly and outgoing? Someone who would rather stay home with you, or someone who loves going out? Someone whose work consumes them, or someone with plenty of time to give? Someone set on marriage and kids, or someone perfectly content without either? These questions can seem minor until you are looking for a person to build a life with, and then they turn out to matter a great deal.

Be honest, finally, with any potential partner and with yourself. Do not talk yourself into being ready if you are not. Do not reshape who you are to impress someone. Stay true to yourself, and if a person does not care for who you are underneath, move along. That kind of stress and drama is not worth keeping around. And if you are not ready to take the next step in a relationship, say so. Hiding your real feelings because you fear the reaction only makes things messier down the line.

References: Brainy Quote (2015), Love quotes. Carole Brody Fleet (2013), 10 ways to tell if you are ready to date again, Huffington Post. Pepper Schwartz (2015), Looking for new love?, AARP.