How to Spice Up Your Marriage Once You Have Children
Every year around two million couples tie the knot in the United States, according to Statistic Brain (2015). And roughly 60% of American children are living with their biological or adoptive married parents (Family Facts, 2015). Marriage and kids can both be wonderful. The trouble is that the second you add children to the picture, the shape of your days changes, and if you aren't paying attention, you and your partner can slowly drift apart.
Think about how it used to be. When it was only the two of you, nothing stopped you from staying up half the night talking, kissing, making love. Then the kids showed up, and suddenly your hours belong to them: feeding, managing, teaching, worrying, paying for all of it. The whole house starts orbiting around the children. That pull is strong, and plenty of couples lose each other inside it. You adore your kids. You also married someone you adore. Those two kinds of love end up competing for the same twenty-four hours.
So what happens when the romance goes quiet? Can you get it back once the baby monitor is always on? And if the spark is somehow still flickering, how do you keep it lit while the children keep asking for more of you? Good news: your marriage doesn't have to be the thing that gets sacrificed. With a little effort, you can relight the fire and keep it burning. The ideas below are simple places to start.
Put your spouse first. Set their wants above your own for a change. If you're someone who's used to getting your way, that won't feel natural, and that's exactly why it counts. Pay attention to what your partner actually likes, then surprise them with it. Say your husband loves it when you wear something sexy: pick up a little teddy and greet him at the door after work. Just arrange for the kids to be elsewhere first, whether that's a sleepover, a night at a friend's, daycare, school, or grandma's. Maybe lingerie isn't your style. Fine. A handwritten love letter works. So do flowers, or a home-cooked dinner with wine, candles, and dessert, or a note tucked where they'll find it. It takes some scheduling gymnastics, but the look on their face is the payoff, and don't be shocked if the favor gets returned down the road.
Go on an actual date. Pulling yourselves out of the chaos to just talk, eat dinner, see a movie, hold hands, and reconnect is one of the fastest ways back to each other. It reminds you why you fell for this person to begin with. Book a sitter or ship the kids to a friend's house for the night. Then get dressed in separate rooms so your outfit is a surprise, and agree to meet in the living room at a set time. Walk out, show each other off, trade compliments, and head to the car hand in hand. Wherever you land, lean into it: talk, laugh, play footsie, enjoy the company. By the time dessert comes you'll already be planning the next one.
Flirt with each other. Yes, flirt, the way you did before the mortgage and the diapers. It can stay quiet and grown-up, nothing the kids will pick up on. Tell your partner they're still the one you're looking at across the room. Compliment the haircut, the outfit, the way they've been keeping up at the gym, their sense of humor, their brains. Feed the ego a little. When you're both stuck in some stiff formal setting, catch their eye, wink, and mouth 'I love you.' When they step out of the shower, tell them exactly what you think of the view. People eat that up, and the closeness follows.
Wind down together. Once the kids are finally asleep, claim the bedroom for the two of you. Shower together, put on something comfortable or something less so, pour a glass of wine or crack a beer, and climb into bed to talk, watch something, play around, or just spoon. Whatever relaxes you both. If you want to push it further, give each other massages: candles, a little aromatherapy oil, low lights, soft music. Don't rush it. The stress drains out, and more often than not it turns into foreplay anyway.
Cook together. It sounds unromantic, which is why people overlook it. Standing in the kitchen side by side forces you to coordinate, talk, and solve small problems as a team, and it hands you an easy window to hear about each other's day. You end up covering the kids, work, relatives, old friends, the things you're afraid of, the things you want. You learn your partner again over a cutting board. So grab a drink, tie on the aprons, and fire up the grill. You'll be laughing and eating before you know it.
- Dr. R. Y. Langham
References: Family Facts. (2015). Despite recent decline, two-thirds of children live with married parents. Grundy, K. (2010). 20 ways to spice up your marriage after kids. She Knows. Huffington Post. (2013). Better sex: 5 Ways to spice things up in your relationship. Statistic Brain. (2015). Marriage statistics.