How to Set Personal Boundaries

Learning to set personal boundaries does two things at once: it keeps your relationships healthier and it shifts how you see yourself. Drawing a line tells other people that you hold yourself in regard, that your self-respect is intact, and that you refuse to be defined on someone else's terms. Boundaries are the emotional, mental, and physical limits you put in place so that nobody gets to use or manipulate you. Understanding what they are, and what it takes to build them, can change how your days feel.

Some signs point to boundaries that have worn thin. Spotting them early gives you room to adjust before the damage piles up. You might recognize yourself in a few of these. You bend against your own values or rights to keep other people happy. You drag out a task just because the time is there to drag it out. You assume someone else will step in and meet your needs without being asked. When you are mistreated, you stay quiet. You fall in love fast, almost on reflex. You reach out and touch people before asking whether that's welcome. You give for the sake of giving, with nothing behind it. You hand others the power to decide who you are. Saying no leaves you feeling guilty. You come undone so that someone will swoop in and take care of you. You go along with advances you never actually wanted.

The flip side is worth picturing. Once you put boundaries in place, confidence tends to follow, and so does a sense of being at the wheel of your own life. People who do this work often describe a steadier self-image and a noticeable jump in self-assurance. Their communication sharpens. They feel more in control and more stable day to day. Reality comes into clearer focus. Relationships grow more satisfying, and even strangers become easier to be around.

So the payoff is real, and the cost of going without is real too. The tricky part is the building itself. A handful of changes to how you behave and what you habitually do will start the process. None of it locks into place overnight, so give yourself some patience and let the shift happen across weeks and months rather than demanding it today.

Start by accepting that your feelings carry the same weight as anyone else's. Putting other people first comes naturally to a lot of us, but your own feelings still need time and attention. Keep ignoring yourself in favor of everyone around you and your relationships will suffer for it eventually. Your body and your emotions pay a price as well.

Next, practice the word no. Most people hate the idea of letting someone down, yet abandoning your own needs to serve others every single time is its own kind of trap. Being able to hold the line between helping others and looking after yourself does a lot of quiet good for how you feel overall.

When somebody steps over a line, say so. Protecting your space depends on it. Name the behavior and explain, respectfully, why it doesn't sit right with you, because the person may genuinely not see what they're doing. Once they understand which behavior bothers you and why, they're less inclined to repeat it. That exchange tends to make the relationship more honest, and it stretches your own ability to communicate.

Then keep at it. Setting boundaries is how you take the reins, and the right ones mean you're owning who you are and keeping your integrity intact. It takes a while, because you'll be doing this work separately for each person in your life. Move through it slowly. Begin with the people closest to you and widen out from there, speaking openly and making sure the boundaries run both ways.

By Rosemary Kitchen. Sources: Lancer, D. (2013). What Are Personal Boundaries? How Do I Get Some? Retrieved February 10, 2015. Buck, C. (2015). Establishing Effective Personal Boundaries. Retrieved February 10, 2015.