How To Love Your Depressed Partner

Depression is an illness, not a mood or a choice. A partner moving through it needs the same care you'd give if they'd come down with the flu. When you stay present through something this hard, you're doing two things at once: tending to their mental health over the long run and making the bond between you sturdier.

Loving someone who gets pulled under can feel lopsided. One stretch the relationship runs mostly in one direction, and you're left wondering how to make your affection land when they're the one who's hurting. Part of what makes it confusing is the unpredictability. Your partner might seem steady on a Tuesday and then turn quiet, far away, or even push you off by Thursday. Because they trust you and keep you close, though, you're in a position most people aren't: you can actually shorten these episodes and soften how hard they hit.

Start with the environment. When someone slides into depression, the world seems to accelerate while they slow to a crawl. Ordinary routines pile up faster than they can handle, so the mail stacks, the sink fills with dishes, the laundry sits. A calm, orderly space is a gift you can give both of them and yourself. Pitch in with the mail, the dishes, the wash. Keep the general disorder from spiraling.

Feed them well. Depression tends to swing eating in one of two directions, either barely touching food or reaching for too much of it, and in both cases the drive-through window or an online pizza order feels easier than cooking. That kind of eating, or skipping meals altogether, drags the body down and the body pulls the mind along with it. Cook something healthy. A stronger body gives the mind a path to follow.

Get them outside, even when outside is the last place they want to be. Sunlight nudges Vitamin D production, which can take some weight off the depression, and a slow walk doubles as exercise, which lifts mood on its own. The payoff from fresh air for someone in this state is larger than it looks from the couch.

There's a strong pull toward isolation when a person is depressed, so anything that cuts against that pull tends to help. Ask them to talk you through what they're feeling. Putting it into words gives both of you a clearer picture of what you're actually facing, and sometimes that clarity points toward a practical next step.

People often stop taking care of themselves when they're low. Showering, a haircut, a dentist appointment, all of it starts to feel like too much, and underneath there's often a belief that they don't deserve to be looked after anyway. That belief feeds worthlessness, which feeds the depression. Give them the permission they won't hand themselves: a long hot bath counts, so does anything small, healthy, and kind to the self. Nudge them to treat basic care as a priority rather than a luxury.

Touch matters here. A genuine hug held past the twenty-second mark releases endorphins and lifts the mood of both people involved. Depressed people frequently don't want to be touched, so the key is a hug with no agenda attached to it, nothing expected to follow. Hug your partner.

Laughter runs on the same chemistry. Research suggests it can push back against symptoms of depression and anxiety. So tell a dumb joke, put on a comedy, go watch a stand-up set. They may end up laughing despite themselves, and that's the point.

Say out loud that you're staying. A depressed partner may feel worthless, angry, guilty, and somewhere in there is often the fear that you'll eventually have enough and leave them alone. They may be half-trying to scare you off to prove it. Tell them plainly that their illness doesn't frighten you off and that you can handle what they're feeling.

When the destructive thoughts come, meet them with truths. Remind them why you love them. Name things they've done and done well. Pull out old photos from good days, say what your favorite things about them are, walk back through the parts of your relationship that went right. Keep returning to the simple line: I love you, and we get through this together.

Adapted from Jeff Stein, "10 Ways to Show Love to Someone With Depression," The Darling Bakers (February 14, 2014).