How to Keep Long-Distance Friendships Close

Did you eat your vegetables today? Have you seen a doctor for a checkup lately, had enough water, slept enough? And what about your friendships? We tend to file all of those into the same category of things we know we should do. Even on the days we skip the second helping of greens, we at least carry around a sense that diet matters. We understand what a bad one does to us, along with dehydration and too little sleep. The part most people overlook is that neglecting your friends carries its own health cost.

People are wired for company. On a biological level we need to feel safe, and having others nearby settles that part of us. On a psychological level, close companions confirm that our lives count for something and give us room to grow. Friendships that actually mean something can help you figure out your purpose, lift your sense of self-worth, keep you honest, nudge you toward better choices, and take the edge off your stress.

Those mental benefits spill over into the body. Chronic stress does real damage, so keeping it in check tends to show up as better physical health. Studies have found that friends do more than buffer us against life's pressures. People with a solid support network have been linked to longer lives, higher survival rates with certain cancers, relief from PTSD symptoms, fewer colds, and a lower burden of heart disease.

That is a long list of upsides. So what do you do when the people who matter most to you live far away? The quiet, ordinary moments are what make close friendships worth having: running errands side by side, grabbing coffee on a lunch break, slumped on a couch watching whatever is on. You could do any of it alone. A friend in the room is what turns the trivial stuff into something good. Put 700 miles between you and all of that disappears. No spontaneous shopping trips, no watching the game together, and plans that used to take a text now take planning. Seeing each other can run into the hundreds of dollars.

The friends you hold onto are usually the good ones, and they earned that spot by showing up for you. They make you happier, sure, but they also know the actual you. Their honesty keeps you grounded. The fact that they see you clearly and stick around anyway is where a lot of your self-worth comes from. Their encouragement pushes your own growth along. That is too valuable to let erode just because of mileage and busy calendars. And it runs both ways: you want the good from the friendship, and you want the best for them too.

A few things worth working on:

First, keep your friends in mind. When you no longer share the small daily rhythms, people can slip out of your awareness entirely. Going a few days or even weeks without a thought of them happens more than you would expect, and out of mind quickly becomes out of touch. Put photos of them around the house, in the car, at your desk. Write their names on a list and leave it somewhere you walk past every day. Pray or meditate on them, which can bring you a sense of calm and connection at the same time.

Second, let them know you are thinking of them. Long phone calls may be out of reach, but emails, texts, a Facebook message, or an actual letter in the mail are not. Fire off a text about something dumb or random; it keeps the inside jokes breathing and reminds you both who you are to each other. Treat email like a real back-and-forth. Pull out the lines of their message you liked, answer them inside the email in a different color, do whatever turns it into a conversation. Mail a card or a letter, since everyone likes getting something personal and it asks nothing in return. Pass along an article, a photo, or a quote that made you think of them, by post, email, or text.

Third, set up play dates. Call them that if you want, though for long-distance friends these are really vacations, which is exactly what makes them fun. They cost more and eat up more time, and they are also one of the things that keeps a friendship alive, plus you get something on the calendar to look forward to. Meet somewhere in the middle. Go to a concert together. Lock in a yearly trip to each other's cities.

Maybe you have been awful at staying in touch. Maybe so much time has passed that reaching out feels embarrassing. It is not too late. Real friends pick up from wherever they are and whatever is going on in their lives, and if they didn't, you wouldn't be worrying about it in the first place. Reminding someone you care never expires, so send that message now.

Melissa Lavery, M.S.

References: Mayo Clinic Staff, "Adult health" (2014). McCord, S., "The Secret to Staying in Touch With Long-Distance Friends" (2015, The Muse). Nadine, "5 Tips for Maintaining Long-Distance Friendships" (2014). Rankin, L., "The Health Benefits of True Friendship" (2012, Psychology Today).