How To Improve Your Relationship With Your Child

There's a line from James E. Faust that stays with me: the love a parent holds for a child can't really be measured, and it outlasts heartbreak and disappointment. That kind of bond is unlike any other. It keeps going even when the child does things that wound you.

Raising a kid is often wonderful. It can also wear you down. Every relationship moves through good stretches and rough ones, and the one between a parent and a child is no exception. That rhythm is normal. Relationships are supposed to shift and grow over time, and keeping them healthy asks for patience, affection, and a stubborn willingness to stay in it.

Think back to the first time you looked into your baby's eyes. You remember it. The connection has probably deepened since, even on the days it didn't feel that way. So don't punish yourself if things aren't where you wish they were right now. Every parent hits bumps, during the terrible twos, across the tangled teenage years, and well into adulthood. A handful of small, positive changes can shift the whole thing.

Most of parenting comes down to adapting. Take life as it arrives and be ready to adjust when circumstances change on you. What follows are some practical ways to repair and strengthen the bond.

Put your child first. If you want things to get better, your child's needs sometimes have to come before your own, and you have to show it by giving your time. Say work has swallowed most of your weeks lately: surprise your kid with a trip to see the movie they've been begging to watch. If they love basketball, grab a ball and challenge them to a game. Plan things you'll both enjoy, and if you can manage it, try something different each week.

When you can't schedule a specific outing, invite your child along for errands or ask for help making dinner. Most kids, especially younger ones, miss you and will jump at the chance to be around you no matter what you're doing. Teenagers may groan instead, and that's partly developmental: they're in the stage where independence matters to them. If your teen sulks at the idea of cooking or errands, don't push it. Ask about their day instead. They might look bored, but the attention lands. The real goal is time together and being reachable when they need you. A child who knows they can count on you will trust you more.

Communicate. You've heard it a thousand times, and it still holds. No relationship functions without two people who can actually talk to each other, and parent and child are no different. Skip the honest back-and-forth and the gap between you widens. Start early. Pay attention when your child tells you something, whether it's a teenager venting or a toddler crying to get changed. Both are attempts to reach you.

Ask open-ended questions about their day, their worries, their opinions, the things that annoy them, what they want out of life. "What did you get up to at school?" or "Tell me about your day." Reach for bigger ones too, like "Where do you picture yourself in five or ten years?" or "What scares you most?" Do this daily and grab the small windows: the drive to school, the stretch while you're cooking, the pause between commercials, the time they're hunched over homework.

Be the model. Children of every age copy what their parents do. Curse constantly and drink too much, and odds are good your kid eventually will too. Those habits can also drive them away from you. Nobody wants a child who feels angry or embarrassed about them. So watch your own conduct, and bring a constructive approach to problems and to how you treat other people. Kids absorb negativity whether or not they're standing in the room when it happens. Model steady, healthy behavior and the relationship tends to lift along with it.

Love them with no strings attached. Show your child you love them even when they mess up. They need to feel it all the time, not only when the grades are good or they're acting the way you'd prefer. They should feel safe enough to make mistakes and learn from them. Constant criticism breeds hostility and distance. Research points to something harder to shake: children tend to believe what others say about them, parents most of all. Tell a kid often enough that they're stupid, or a failure, or will never amount to anything, and those lines can harden into self-fulfilling prophecies. Make sure your child knows your love doesn't depend on outcomes, and that you'll be there regardless of how things turn out.

- Dr. R. Y. Langham