How To Heal From A Broken Heart

"Pain is a pesky part of being human. In fact, I have learned that it feels like a stab wound to the heart, something I wish we could all do without in our lives. Pain is a sudden hurt that can't be escaped. But, then, I have also learned that because of pain, I can feel the beauty, tenderness, and freedom of healing. Pain feels like a fast stab wound to the heart. But then healing feels like the wind against your face as you spread your wings, and fly through the air! We may not have wings growing out of our backs, but healing is the closest thing that will give us that wind against our faces." ~ C. Joybell C.

If your heart is in pieces right now, read this first: the state you're in won't last. Breakups rank among the hardest things a person goes through, and nearly everyone lands there at least once. It comes with being alive. The hurt feels permanent while you're inside it, and it isn't. Picture yourself a year out. You'll have moved somewhere steadier, and there's a decent chance you'll have fallen for someone again by then.

Each day the ache gets a little smaller. The world has not actually collapsed, even when it looks like it has. You lost the person you called the love of your life, true. But nobody can promise you that the genuine one isn't a week, a month, or a season away. Love tends to come back around, sometimes better than the version you just lost. The question is how you get through to that point, so here are some things that help.

Acknowledge your feelings. Pretending you're fine when you aren't will wear you down, and in the worst cases it really can tip you toward feeling unhinged. Let the anger be anger. Let the sadness be sadness. Don't swallow the hurt just to spare yourself the worry that people will judge you or feel sorry for you.

Stop short of stalking your ex. That means no round-the-clock calling, no slow drive-bys past the house, no pleading to be taken back, no recruiting friends to keep tabs. Two reasons. It reads as unstable to everyone watching, and it can genuinely land you in a cell on stalking or harassment charges. Instead, find a healthy outlet. Writing a letter to your ex is a good one, saying exactly how you feel. One warning, and I mean it: do not mail it. Read it back to yourself, then tear it up, burn it, or stash it away. If you insist on keeping it, which I'd advise against, tuck it somewhere private and don't touch it until you're fully past the breakup. Rereading it mid-healing only reignites the longing.

Turn your attention back to yourself. What do you actually like doing? What did you keep putting off while you were coupled up? Figure out what makes you happy and what pulls your interest. Somewhere in the relationship you probably let your friendships thin out, which happens to most people, especially early on when a new romance eats all your time. Now is your opening to reconnect. Apologize for going quiet, ask forgiveness, and don't be shy about reaching out. Real friends still care about you no matter how much distance crept in. They'll fold you back in, maybe after a little groveling, and they'll hold you up while you heal and ease back into a social life.

So treat yourself. Get a haircut or try a color you've never worn. Go shopping. Join a gym and build a routine. Eat better. Pick up a hobby, learn an instrument, take dance lessons, start writing a book, spend real time with the people who love you, adopt a pet. This stretch of life is for doing whatever makes you glad to be here.

Get out among people, even when you'd rather not. Socializing isn't the same as dating. It just means leaving the house and being around others. Early on you'll likely have to drag yourself to the party or the dinner or the get-together with friends, family, and coworkers. As the loss loosens its grip, showing up gets easier, and at some point you'll actually look forward to it. One caveat: don't date until you feel ready, and if someone asks before then, turn them down kindly.

Give yourself a few months to find your footing in this new version of your life, then start saying yes. Dinners, movies, dance clubs, parties, whatever comes up. Talk yourself into it out loud. Tell yourself you can't wait to go grab dinner with so-and-so. Keep repeating that you want to be out, keep nudging yourself through the door, and the enjoyment eventually becomes real rather than forced.

At some point you'll be ready to move forward, and getting there runs through forgiveness, both of yourself and of your ex. Odds are you each made mistakes while you were together. People do that. Healing asks you to own your part, let go of the blame on both sides, and keep going. This is a brutal step, more so if you were certain this person was the one, but skipping it keeps you stuck. Don't rush it. Forgiving takes time, and moving on takes longer, and you'll still get there, because the alternative is staying frozen.

Pull the lessons out of it. Make a mental note of what you want, what you need, and what you can't stand, so you can carry that into whatever comes next when you're ready. Skip the grudges and skip the revenge. That kind of behavior is petty and does nothing but keep you sick. Be the adult in the story and gather up the pieces of your heart. The hurt does fade, and you will be able to love again, but only once you've managed to let the old thing go.

- Dr. R. Y. Langham