How to Have a Happy Marriage

Roughly half of first marriages end in divorce, and the failure rate climbs to about 60 percent for second marriages. Given numbers like that, it's almost surprising anyone signs up at all. Divorce rates have been creeping upward for a while, though the 1970s were really when splitting up became common enough to register in the statistics. No two couples are alike, so what makes a given marriage happy comes down to the two people in it and how they fit together. Even so, researchers keep finding patterns, both among couples who say they're content and among those who say they aren't.

A good marriage runs on effort. You can't coast on it or set it aside and expect it to hold. Think of it as a foundation you keep adding to rather than something you pour once and walk away from.

So why do marriages come apart? One reason is the hope that the other person will change. Someone marries a partner who seems immature or short on responsibility, quietly betting that marriage will fix it, or that they can do the fixing themselves. That sets up friction before the honeymoon is over. A wedding isn't a renovation project. The idea is to accept who your partner is now and stay alongside them as they grow on their own terms.

Communication breaks down too. Everyone can talk; far fewer people actually communicate. Real communication means listening when it's the other person's turn and fighting fair when there's something to fight about. The old line about it being a two-way street applies here as much as anywhere.

Then there's the slow fade of intimacy. Between work, the house, your partner, and kids, the energy for it can simply drain away. Intimacy is a big part of what holds two people together, physically and emotionally, and when it goes the sense of connection tends to go with it.

Money fights come up constantly. In fact arguments about money top the list for most couples. Part of the trouble is that money means something different to each person, and when two people with different relationships to it marry, clashes are close to inevitable.

Couples also stop noticing each other. The small gestures fade: the thank-yous, the I-love-yous, the little acts of affection that once came easily. When gratitude dries up, so does a person's sense of worth inside the relationship.

Decades of study have gone into the opposite question. What actually keeps a couple happy? A few findings stand out.

How a couple talks matters, and the medium matters more than you'd think. Researchers at Brigham Young University found that couples who hash out problems by phone or in person report better relationships and more overall happiness than couples who try to settle things over text.

Making each other a priority is another one. People go into marriage expecting to come first for their partner, and then children arrive and rearrange everything. A 2014 Open University study of 5,000 people across age groups in long-term relationships found that couples without children, married or not, reported being the happiest. Read against the priority problem, that result makes a certain sense.

Birth order turns up in the research as well. The pairing with the best odds seems to be a firstborn matched with a lastborn. Studies suggest the oldest child slides into the caretaker role while the youngest is comfortable being cared for.

Sharing the load counts too, both the money and the daily grind. A three-year UCLA study reported that partners who agree to split household chores and have a clear sense of who handles what feel more satisfied in their relationships. With both people often working and juggling home, family, and finances, that tracks.

Similarity helps more than difference. Couples who shared values and traits tended to be happier than couples with a lot of mismatches. Opposites may still attract, but the marriages that worked had more in common than not.

- Kim B.