How to Get Your Kid to Communicate With You

The American Medical Association noted back in 2001 that once kids hit the "tween" stretch, they start drifting toward their friends and away from the family dinner table. Mood swings show up. So does a general sense of being lost. If you have a tween at home who has gone quiet on you, you are in very large company. Parents complain about this constantly, with both their tweens and their teenagers.

The hard part is that these years run on a steady supply of angst mixed with a hunger for independence. A tween wants to be treated like an adult and still get the comforts of being a kid, often in the same afternoon. They have aged past early childhood but haven't crossed into full teenager territory, so their behavior bounces between the two. One day you get the little kid, the next you get the moody almost-teen. That whiplash wears on parents who genuinely cannot figure out how to break through.

What counts as a tween, exactly? A preteen, basically. Someone standing right at the edge of the teenage years. Dictionary.com put the usual range at 10 to 12 years old: too old for "child," too young for "teenager." If that describes your kid and the conversations have dried up, don't panic. There are ways back in.

Start by meeting them on their terms. Getting on their level means accepting how and when they want to communicate, as long as what they're asking for isn't harmful. That means being ready to listen even when you're exhausted, under the weather, or coming off a brutal day. If your tween walks in the door bursting to tell you something, don't wave them off. Pay attention. Hold back the judgment, the blame, the criticism, even when you flat-out disagree with what you're hearing. And keep your feedback to yourself unless they actually ask for it.

Timing matters more than you'd think. Some tweens will only open up in specific windows: during commercial breaks, in the quiet stretch before bed, maybe while you're both stuck in the car or pushing a cart through the grocery store. Take the conversation when and where it comes. A kid who learns that you're reliably available is a kid who eventually talks.

Then there's modeling. If you want your tween to open up, you have to be the version of a person you're hoping they'll become. Want them outgoing, open-minded, friendly, upbeat? Live those things in front of them, consistently, not just when it's convenient. Remember how disorienting this stage is. Your kid really doesn't know whether they're a child or a teenager, so the behavior you demonstrate is the behavior they borrow.

Go easy on the judgment while you're at it. This is the age for testing limits and trying things that don't work out. Mistakes are built into the deal. When your tween makes a bad call or fails at something or does something that makes you wince, resist the urge to pile on. Keep the channel open instead: tell them you're disappointed and that you love them anyway, no conditions attached. Acceptance invites conversation.

Sometimes the most useful move is to close your mouth. Parents talk too much, especially right when their kid says something they'd rather not hear. The better response is silence and attention. When your tween is working through feelings out loud, let them. No opinions, no advice, nothing unless they request it. Just let them know help is there if they want it. Think about yourself for a second: plenty of the time you don't want a solution, you want a witness. Same with them. Stay quiet. Listen. The talking is the point.

Loosen up and be a little ridiculous. Most tweens still have a goofy streak running under the attitude, so match it. Mess around until they drop their guard and crack up. Acting silly might feel humiliating to a grown adult, but tweens quietly adore a parent who can be funny and relaxed. A kid who can laugh with you is a kid who keeps coming back to talk.

Tell the truth, and tell it all the time, even when the honest answer is uncomfortable. Lying to your child is never acceptable, the same way you'd never want them lying to you, and the only way to teach honesty is to practice it yourself. When you don't know something, say so. You can tell them you don't have the answer and that the two of you will work it out together. Honesty tends to open things up more than any clever strategy ever will.

- Dr. R. Y. Langham

References: American Medical Association. (2001). Parents & teachers: Teen growth & development, years 11 to 14. Sutter Health: Palo Alto Medical Foundation. Carolina Parent. (2015). Tweens & teens. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2015). Young teens (12-14 years of age). Dictionary.com. (2015). Tween.