How to Cultivate Compassion

Picture a world where bullying, racism, and prejudice have shrunk to the edges. A place where standing up against injustice is the default and ordinary people do heroic things without much fuss. You feel settled at home and at work, surrounded by relationships built on respect and trust. Does such a world exist? In pieces, yes, it already does. The psychological ingredient that makes any of it possible is empathy. Take it away and what fills the gap is selfishness, neglect, hate, and greed. Empathy is what makes shared space livable, and it opens the door to real personal growth.

Convincing all eight billion people that empathy serves their interests isn't realistic. Your own path is a different matter, and that's where to start. Before you can grow more empathetic, you have to understand what empathy actually is. Most people describe it as putting yourself in someone else's shoes, and that description holds up. There's a second half, though: reading other people's emotions accurately and responding in a way that fits. Together those two abilities produce understanding, and understanding is what feeds close relationships, a sense of social responsibility, and your own development. It sits close to the center of happiness.

If you're still skeptical that empathy belongs in any recipe for peace and well-being, consider what researchers have turned up. Empathetic practice has been shown to cut down on racist and prejudiced behavior and to reduce bullying. People with higher empathy act on behalf of others more often, and this effect is stronger in those taught the habit during childhood. The pattern runs the other way, too: the more inequality people perceive, the less empathy they tend to show, and people from wealthier backgrounds often display less of it than you might expect.

Doctors and employers who approach others with empathy tend to leave health and satisfaction in their wake. In the workplace it feeds collaboration and new ideas, because someone who can identify with a coworker's needs works better alongside them. In close relationships, compassion heads off conflict and makes solutions easier to find when friction does show up. It also gives people the feeling of connection that human development depends on. On a private level, carrying a more empathetic outlook tends to lower anxiety, depression, and self-pity, and it makes it easier to accept the hard parts of your own life rather than fight them. The list runs longer than that. Where empathy spreads, alienation and fear tend to retreat, and self-awareness and self-respect move in.

So how do you begin? Start by connecting with yourself. Carve out time to be alone with your thoughts on a regular schedule. Some people find this effortless; others dread it. You might feel the sting of loneliness, and that's fine, because loneliness has a way of surfacing raw, honest emotion. Fill the time however suits you: meditate, pray, journal, put on music, or just sit outside. The goal is to grow comfortable in your own skin, which is the groundwork for stepping into someone else's.

Next, connect with other people, and mean it. Meeting up, planning trips, and talking on the phone are the easy version. The harder and more valuable thing is to bond, and active listening is how that happens. Have real conversations. Listen to the other person with no agenda of your own riding along underneath. Because it's easier to govern your own listening than to force someone else's, you may want to spend time with someone trained for it. Online, there are people who will genuinely listen through discussion, and counseling is always an option. You don't need a diagnosis to see a therapist. Being heard helps you name your own feelings, which loops right back to connecting with yourself.

Third, practice mindfulness. Mindfulness asks you to actually pay attention and switch off the autopilot. That means noticing your own feelings and letting each one register, and it also means watching the people around you: their reactions, the expressions crossing their faces, what they might be feeling underneath. When someone makes you angry, pause on how that person feels in the same moment. This habit does quiet work on you over time, making you calmer and more patient.

Fourth, read more. Studies have found that people who read fiction tend to show more empathy. A plot has shape, and the characters get tangled up in conflict. Living through their struggles on the page teaches you something about how real people think and act, and it lets you feel sorrow, joy, and the ache of injustice secondhand. Nonfiction can do the same, especially the kind that deals with human triumph and human wrongs.

Fifth, get involved. Give your time, your money, your goods, your skills. Anything you haven't touched in a year can go to one of countless charities. Read to children, play games with older people, cook meals for someone who has nowhere to cook. Drop money and food at a community pantry when you're able. The causes are endless, and you can even start one of your own. Write to your local paper and your elected officials when you want something to change. Live by the Golden Rule and watch it come back around.

- Melissa Lavery, M.S.

References: Building a Culture of Empathy, Benefits of Empathy (n.d.), retrieved March 13, 2015, from cultureofempathy.com. Empathy Definition (2015), retrieved March 12, 2015, from greatergood.berkeley.edu.