How to Cope with a Messy Divorce

The American Psychological Association reported in 2015 that roughly 45% of married couples in the United States eventually divorce. The men who go through it are, on average, around 30 years old; the women tend to be about 29. And according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention that same year, a good number of first marriages come apart somewhere in the seventh or eighth year. Nobody stands at the altar planning for any of this. You don't walk down the aisle rehearsing the argument you'll have with a lawyer three years later. People picture a long life beside the person they love, and then life does what it does, which is rarely what you pictured.

Divorce is hard. Even the calm, cooperative ones leave a mark, and when things turn hostile the whole process can feel like something you cannot survive. You can. The grief has a shelf life. A year from now the sharpest part of it will have dulled into something you only remember when you go looking for it. What follows are a few ways to get through a divorce that has gotten ugly, and come out the other side with your peace intact.

Start by letting go of blame. The reflex is to pin everything on your spouse, and that reflex is wrong. Be honest with yourself for a second: your partner was not the only architect of this collapse. Marriages usually fall apart from both ends at once. Maybe one person lied or stepped out. Maybe the other had gone cold, or stopped paying attention to the relationship long before anyone cheated. There were probably signs you missed and conversations you avoided. The person who strayed could have spoken up or found a counselor instead of finding someone else. Two people made the mess. At this point the only useful move is to accept that it's over.

Accepting it hurts, even when the feelings drained away months or years ago. What stings most is the death of the picture you had in your head. Regret is normal here, and it gets heavier when there are kids. You may lie awake worrying about what this does to them, to your extended family, to whatever comes next. The children will adjust, though, as long as you and your spouse treat each other with some basic respect, both in front of them and behind the scenes. Kids read the air in a room. You can keep every insult to yourself and they will still feel the tension you think you're hiding. Keep it civil for their sake. If there are no children, keep it civil out of respect for whatever you two once had.

Staying positive through all this might be the hardest thing on the list. Sling mud and it tends to come back and land on you. Since you both carry some share of the blame, an insult thrown your spouse's way will likely earn an insult in return, and now you're both covered in it. Cry if you need to. Go beat a heavy bag at the gym, yell in the car, call a friend and let it all out. Just keep the name-calling, the put-downs, and the finger-pointing out of the room when your ex is in it.

Stay calm above everything else. Emotion crowds out clear thinking, so when your spouse reaches for the buttons that have always worked, try not to let them. The moment they see the taunts bouncing off you, they usually give up, and you heal faster for it. And don't flip the blame entirely onto yourself either. It took two to get married and it takes two to get divorced. Take the lessons from the mistakes you made and carry them forward. Whatever comes next, you'll walk into it better equipped.

Sometimes the word "divorce" gets hurled across a kitchen in the middle of a fight, and the person who threw it didn't mean a syllable of it. People say things they regret when they feel wronged. Don't hand your marriage over to a single bad night. Leave the room, give yourself a few days, and come back to it with a cooler head. Say how you actually feel, then let your spouse say the same, and really listen. Decide whether what you have is worth saving. If you both want to try again, apologize, forgive, and bring in a marriage counselor if that's what it takes. If divorce really is the right call, honor what the relationship was and agree together to make the ending as gentle as you can.

Through a messy divorce, taking care of yourself stops being a luxury. Change your hair. Join a gym and put your energy into your body. See people. Keep a journal, soak in the bath, get your nails done, work on your head and your spirit. Give yourself a genuine break. Do something kind for yourself, forgive your own mistakes, and forgive your spouse for theirs. Cry and scream if that's what the day calls for. Let the anger and hurt out, but let it out in a way that doesn't wreck you.

Go at whatever pace feels right. You'll know when you're ready to move forward. Just don't sit in the self-pity longer than you have to. You've got happiness coming to you.

- Dr. R. Y. Langham

References: American Psychological Association. (2015). Marriage and divorce. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2015). Marriage and divorce: Statistics. Segal, J., Kemp, G., & Smith, M. (2015). Coping with a breakup or divorce. Help Guide.