How to Build Better Parenting Skills

Most parents want two things at once: the ability to set limits for their children and the ability to leave those children feeling good about themselves. Those goals are not at odds. A handful of methods can help you build warmer relationships, communicate more clearly and pick up the day-to-day habits that make parenting less of a struggle. The real target underneath all of it is self-discipline, the thing you actually want your kids to carry into adulthood. Plenty of parents reach for spanking and shouting to get there, convinced that discipline has to be loud. Learn the three F's below and apply them, and you'll likely find the relationship improving with far less yelling and far fewer raised hands.

A few general guidelines help set the tone between a parent and a child. Put aside time on a regular basis to do something fun and special together. Don't argue about punishment in front of the child; settle those disagreements privately. Reach an understanding together about which behaviors are acceptable and which are not. Avoid giving any order, command or request you can't directly enforce, because an empty threat teaches a child that your words don't mean much. Stay as consistent as you can with both rewards and consequences.

When a child does something you don't want, be specific about the consequence. Vague complaints don't land. Telling a child "your room is messy" gives them nothing to act on; telling them "make your bed, pick your clothes up off the floor and take the dirty dishes off your desk" does. Remember too that you are the model. Your own behavior is the example your child studies most closely. And when they do something right, reward it, whether that's a touch, a few words of praise or something concrete like food, a little money or a toy.

Discipline works best when it's fair, firm and friendly. Firm means that when your child behaves inappropriately, you state the consequence clearly and then follow through on it. Fair means the punishment fits what happened, and that for repeated behavior you spell out the consequence ahead of time so your child knows what's coming. Harsh punishment isn't required. Used consistently, even something as small as a time out can do the job. If your child gets through an entire day without a single time out, mark that with a reward. Friendly means you deliver the message about bad behavior in a tone that's firm without being hostile. Encourage your child to recall what the problem behavior was so it's easier to avoid next time, and praise the good behavior when you see it.

Reward is your main lever for motivation, so use it whenever you can. With younger children, swap "if" for "when." Instead of "if you put your clean clothes away," try "when you put all your clean clothes away, you can go outside to play." The difference is small but it frames the good behavior as expected rather than optional. For serious defiance and disruption, pair a time out with a reward: tell your child that a given behavior earns a time out every time, and that a full day without one earns something special.

If your child tends to ignore you until you've asked three or four times, try a First Time Club. Explain that every time they do what you ask after a single request, you'll draw a happy face in one of thirty squares. Fill all thirty and they earn a reward the two of you have agreed on in advance. Praise each success along the way. By the time the chart is full, the habit has usually taken root. Hand over the reward the moment the last smiley face is earned, then keep praising and encouraging so the new habit holds and strengthens.

For improving behavior at home more broadly, there's the chip system, and it tends to win over both parents and kids within the first few weeks. Start by buying a set of poker chips. Sit down and explain the program to the family, including why you think it will help. Younger children can be told it teaches them to look after themselves more independently, which appeals to them because kids love independence. Older kids and teens can be told it mirrors adult life: adults pay fines when they break rules or miss payments, they work to earn money, and they spend that money on what they need and sometimes on what they simply want.

Next, build two lists. One covers behaviors that earn chips, such as doing chores, handling self-help tasks, keeping a good attitude, brushing teeth, getting up for school on time or playing nicely with siblings. The other covers behaviors that cost chips: disruption, defiance, yelling, tantrums, arguing, fighting, jumping on the couch, swearing, throwing things or putting others down. Some of those might earn a time out on top of the chip deduction. Then agree on a list of privileges the chips can buy, like outdoor time, television, a game or time on the computer.

Assign a value to every item. Doing something the first time you ask might be worth two chips; saying please and thank you, one chip; throwing things, minus four chips plus a time out. On the spending side, watching television might cost four chips per half hour. If your child ever runs out of chips entirely, give them a list of extra chores they can do to earn some back rather than leaving them with no way forward.

Neurofeedback in Washington, DC.