How to Build a Friendship with an Ex After a Breakup

Cosmopolitan magazine reported back in 2010 that roughly 27% of women had been dumped over an email, an instant message, a Facebook note, or a text. Another 16% got the silent treatment from a man who simply stopped making contact. So breakups rarely come with closure. Usually they just happen.

Maybe one happened to you. The person you considered the love of your life is gone, and you feel heartbroken, confused, angry, and sad all at the same time. Life without that person seems impossible, yet here you are living it. You don't want things to be finished for good, but the wound is deep enough that being friends feels out of the question.

Here is where a lot of people get it wrong. You may be convinced you've lost your best friend forever, and that isn't necessarily true. Play it carefully and there's a real chance the friendship survives in some form. Breaking up doesn't force the two of you into enemy camps.

Friendship after a romance is possible. It takes patience, effort, persistence, understanding, and the willingness to be honest and to forgive. If that sounds like work, that's because it is. Pulling it off is far from easy, but the payoff can be worth the trouble.

One thing to keep straight from the start: a friendship only forms if your ex wants it too. Don't push yourself or the idea onto them, because pressure tends to backfire (sometimes into something as serious as stalking charges). Ask, then step back and let your ex choose. If the answer is no, respect it. Years down the road the answer might change.

Give it time. The urge to pick right back up as friends is strong, but your ex needs room to process what happened and figure out what they want. You need the same room. Part of being honest with yourself is admitting you might miss the companionship more than you miss the person as a partner. If your ex isn't ready when you are, don't take it as an insult. Fill your hours with things that have nothing to do with them: see friends, pick up a hobby, work longer days, change how you eat or exercise, pour energy into yourself. What you should not do is hover, chase, or sit by the phone waiting for a call. A good rule is to wait two or three months before reaching out, which gives both of you a chance to heal.

When you do start talking again, move slowly. Baby steps. Meet for coffee or lunch rather than diving into anything heavier. Steer clear of the subjects that used to spark fights. Stick to work, school, shows you're watching, music, movies, kids, mutual friends. Keep it light. Don't raise the breakup itself, and don't float the idea of getting back together, because the moment your ex feels pressured they'll pull away.

Boundaries matter, and they matter more if either of you starts dating someone new. Agree on things like how often you call, how much time you spend on the phone each day, how frequently you see each other, and which channels (texting, calls, email, instant messaging, Facebook, Twitter) feel okay and when. Decide together when dropping by is fine and when it isn't. Then hold the line. Sliding back into old habits only recreates old results, and this is the moment to try the friendship from a completely different angle. Leftover feelings are almost certainly still there, so tread carefully if you want this to last.

Forgiveness is part of the deal. The old wrongs, the hurts, the betrayals: you'll both need to let them go. For many people this is the hardest piece of the whole thing. It still has to happen. Don't keep dragging the old arguments back into the open, because all of that is water under the bridge now. You're in a different phase, aiming for friendship rather than romance. Keep relitigating who was at fault and you'll only pry the two of you further apart. Carrying resentment, hostility, and anger will choke the friendship before it ever starts.

And be ready to move on either way. Clinging to an ex in the hope they'll come around as a friend doesn't serve you. Make the ask, then keep living your life. If they say yes, start building something new. If they say no, lift your head and carry on without tears or endless questions about why. Wondering why only breeds more anxiety. Your ex has their reasons, and those reasons stopped being your responsibility the day things ended. There are people to meet and days to fill. Go out with friends, family, coworkers, and anyone you might date; work on becoming a better version of yourself; stay open to whatever comes next, your ex included in the friendship or not.

- Dr. R. Y. Langham

References: Cosmopolitan. (2010). Getting dumped. Giles, C. (2015). How to rebuild a friendship after a hurt. Everyday Life. She Knows. (2008). The courage to rebuild a relationship after a breakup or divorce.

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