How to Adopt the Child of Your Dreams

In 2012, roughly 52,000 children in state care found permanent families across the country. Yet about 100,000 others were still waiting for what some agencies call their "forever homes" (National Adoption Center, 2015). Alongside those numbers, the idea of what a parent is has shifted. A parent used to mean a birth mother and birth father in a heterosexual marriage. That definition has widened. Today a parent might be a grandparent raising a grandchild, a resource parent, a single person, an adoptive couple, a same-sex couple, or a relative stepping into a kinship placement. At bottom, a parent is anyone who loves a child, keeps that child safe, and provides for their needs.

You do not need a spouse to be a mom or a dad, and having a same-sex partner does not disqualify you either. If you cannot conceive, for whatever reason, becoming a parent is still within reach. Adoption is the path. It can redirect the whole course of a child's life, and it is one of the most meaningful ways to leave a mark on another person. Millions of children around the world are waiting for a stable home. Many have been moved from orphanage to group home to temporary placement so many times that they have lost any sense of where they belong. They carry hurt, anger, sadness, anxiety, and the ache of abandonment that comes from having no one to call Mom or Dad.

Plenty of children in care do not much mind whether the adults who take them in are gay or straight, single or married, wealthy or struggling, young or older. What they want is to be loved and to belong to a family. Adopting a child tends to lift their sense of self-worth and confidence, and it opens doors that were closed before. You hand them a fresh start at a life that feels worth living. So even when a biological child isn't possible, there are children who would treasure what you have to give. If you want to understand how the process works, this article walks through the main types of adoption and the steps involved in bringing home the child you are hoping for.

Decide what kind of adoption you want. That is the starting point. Domestic adoption alone gives you a handful of directions. You might take in an older child from state care, pursue an independent adoption arranged through an attorney or through someone you know or located yourself, or adopt a newborn. Independent and infant adoptions can be either closed or open, and that depends on what the birth parents and the adoptive parents agree to.

In a closed adoption, contact with the birth parents may be limited or nonexistent. You might never speak with them, and in some cases you won't receive their names or even the child's medical history when you are matched. Once the adoption is legal, any contact that did exist can be ended at your discretion; the birth parents cannot see or talk to the child without your consent.

An open adoption works differently. Here you and the birth parents arrange for them to keep some degree of access to the child after the adoption is final, whether that is full or partial. It can involve trading photos and letters, phone calls, updates on how the child is doing, or invitations to birthday parties and other milestones. Open arrangements are the more common of the two. Still, even with an open agreement in place, nothing legally obligates adoptive parents to maintain contact once the adoption is finalized. You can close that door if you choose. Check your own state's adoption guidelines, since the required steps vary from place to place.

Choose an adoption agency. Look into the agencies operating in your state and across the country, and run them past the Better Business Bureau to confirm they are legitimate and well regarded. Every agency has to be licensed by the state's licensing board. If the one you are considering isn't licensed, move on and find one that is. Pay attention to specialties, too. Some agencies focus on domestic and independent adoptions, while others handle international cases.

After you narrow it to a few candidates, reach out and set up meetings. Sit down with a representative, share what excites you, and raise whatever questions or worries you have. Ask for an adoption packet to complete; it usually covers the various adoption types, background checks, a physical exam, a reference form, a questionnaire, and an application. Be ready for a mountain of paperwork. It is thorough, and finishing it will likely take you a month or more. The background check digs into any past arrests and felonies. A conviction for child abuse or neglect may rule you out, depending on your state. Visiting the agencies in person and talking with families who have worked with them will give you a clearer basis for your decision.

Complete a home study. Once your application, paperwork, questionnaire, and background check are in, you can schedule this stage. A home study confirms that you are financially equipped to raise the child you hope to adopt. It generally runs two to three months and includes several visits to your home plus one trip to the agency. The case manager handling it, a licensed social worker, also verifies that your home poses no health hazards, so keeping the place clean matters here.

Over the course of the study, the case manager inspects your home, speaks with relatives, friends, and neighbors, and interviews you about safety. Expect personal questions covering fertility, extended family, drugs and alcohol, weapons, siblings, and how you would respond when a child misbehaves. None of it is meant as an insult; it is simply part of the process. At one of the visits the case manager will also ask for a statement of health, proof of home insurance, and verification of income.

Search for your child. With the paperwork, the home study, and the background check behind you, approval should follow, and this is where it gets genuinely enjoyable. If you chose an open adoption, you may meet with birth parents. If you went with a closed one, your case manager may match you with a child based on the preferences you gave. You might care for a child with special needs, or welcome a sibling group. Maybe you picture an infant of your own, or perhaps an older child in state care feels right. The choice belongs to you.

Answer truthfully about what you can take on. Do not say what you think sounds noble. The child is the one who stands to be hurt most if you cannot cope with the kind of child you accept. If you don't believe you are suited to a child with special needs, say so. If you have a preference about gender or race, say that too. The whole point is to give a child a permanent home. For a child without parents, being pulled back out of a home because the adoptive parent decides they cannot handle it is about the worst outcome there is.

Get selected. The final stretch is the match itself. Your child is waiting for you and eager to meet you, and the exhaustion and tears of the process tend to fall away the first time you lay eyes on them. The case manager places the child in your home and checks in several times before everything is finalized. That typically takes six months to a year. Be patient. What's coming is worth the wait.

References: National Adoption Center. (2015). Adoption statistics.