Psychology, Neuroleadership, and Neurofeedback: How Did They Ever Get Together?

How did they ever get together? I have genuinely asked myself that when a couple walks by and the two of them seem mismatched in some way I can't quite name. Once in a while the words slip out before I can stop them. And I catch myself puzzling over how certain women pull in men you'd assume only chase one particular type. Read between the lines here, because I'm not out to insult anyone. If you've been single a long stretch, you already understand the thing I'm circling around.

I have burned a lot of hours asking why I'm still single, and the question got louder after I hit 30. Thirty is the number women are told to fear. By then you're supposed to have the career, the ring, the whole life arranged, as if a switch flips and everything clicks on. The reality is that plenty of us arrive at 30 unattached, and the culture treats that like a verdict. I feel the weight of it some days too.

After my own thirtieth birthday I looked around and noticed that nearly all my sorority sisters and most of the people I went to high school with were married, cheerful, climbing in their jobs. Don't let the surface fool you. What happens behind a closed door rarely matches the version posted for everyone to see. You are likely in better shape than the friends you're comparing yourself to. If that thought lands, good, start letting yourself feel it. If it doesn't, stay with me a little longer.

Picture this. You're alone at a table in a restaurant and across the room sits a good-looking man with a woman you'd call plain, maybe worse. You start wondering what he could possibly see in her. Then the question turns inward: what's wrong with me? The honest answer is nothing. That said, don't flip to the other extreme and decide you're flawless either. No one is.

What I'd push back on is the habit of reading every dating article and every list of reasons you're still alone. Those pieces are stuffed with tactics and little tricks that nudge you into overthinking, until you're dissecting yourself and parsing every sentence a man says to you. That kind of self-surveillance can sink you. I'm not telling you to toss out all of it. Some of the writing is genuinely useful. But most of it repeats the same handful of ideas.

The standard psychological explanation is that you're single because of unhealthy past relationships, a fear of competition, too many self-imposed dating rules, and "the list" (Firestone, 2013). Psychologists and dating coaches love to zero in on repairing you and cataloging your mistakes. Sure, unresolved baggage and an inability to move past old relationships can bleed into new ones. Still, it's time we stopped letting the men off the hook so easily. As I said, plenty of the time there is nothing wrong with you.

Almost no one wants to examine why men go after a particular kind of woman. I've been the one sitting across that restaurant table, in the exact scene I described. The experts skip right past the motive. So ask yourself truthfully: do you actually want to be the overlooked woman seated opposite the handsome man? Some men with an agenda hunt for specific traits because those traits prop up their ego and self-esteem. Wolves in sheep's clothing, the lot of them.

Consider the types. First, the bigger woman. A disclaimer before I go further: I'm not talking about the independent, confident, put-together woman who happens to be a big girl. Big girls deserve love as much as anyone. I mean the big girl running on low standards and low self-worth. A certain man seeks her out because he's betting she'll do whatever he asks, since she feels fortunate just to have him. He sees no reason to respect her and finds her easy to steer by poking at her insecurities.

Second, the pretty airhead. A man chases her because she's clay he can shape into whatever suits him. She tends to struggle with making her own decisions and leans on her looks to coast through life. You never want to be anybody's trophy. Give it time and he discards the trophy for the next one. Looks fade, every time.

Third, the "I like the natural look" woman. I've heard men say this often and I keep asking why. It's usually just a dressed-up way of saying they want a plain Jane. The appeal is that they assume she won't ask for much and will stay submissive, and, maybe more to the point, they assume no other man will come for her. Keep working on yourself and refuse to settle.

Thirty and single isn't a sentence. It can simply mean you know the kind of man you're after and you're comfortable in your own skin. Some men keep their distance from you precisely because they wouldn't know what to do with a good thing.

- Heather Browning, MBA, BA

Firestone, L. (November 2013). 8 Reasons You Might Be Single. Psychology Today. Retrieved February 6, 2015.