Enjoy Your Sex Life Even If You Feel Depressed

Chronic depression reaches into every corner of a person's life, and sex is no exception. In fact it's often one of the first things to go. People living with long-term depression frequently notice their interest in sex fading, orgasm taking much longer to arrive, or the whole experience losing its pleasure. The irony is that sex itself can push back against depression. It lifts your mood, and it holds a relationship together.

In the United States, depression ranks as the leading cause of disability for people between 15 and 44. The sexual difficulties that come along with it fall on men and women in roughly equal measure. None of that means you're out of options. You can work on a satisfying sex life and treat chronic depression at the same time.

Everyone's situation is different, so there's no single fix that works across the board. The useful approach is to try a few things and pay attention to what actually helps you. Depression tends to trap you inside painful moments, with your attention locked on the hurt. The right treatment can loosen that grip and let you rediscover arousal and the quiet pleasure of anticipation that your body produces on its own.

A lot of specialists will tell you not to abandon treatment just because you worry it's hurting your sex life or your relationship. Plenty of antidepressants do dampen sex drive, but the answer isn't to stop taking them on your own. Talk to your doctor, and never quit the medication abruptly without guidance. Some of the side effects track with the dosage, which means a smaller dose might manage the depression while letting your sex drive come back. That's worth exploring, but only with your doctor, never by adjusting the pills yourself. For some people it takes several months on antidepressants before sex becomes enjoyable again.

There are also natural remedies that don't seem to blunt sexual interest. St. John's wort is one. It's an herbal treatment that has been studied for mild to moderate depression, and one study found it eased patients' symptoms without cutting into their sex drive. Many experts still consider prescription antidepressants the more reliable choice for chronic depression. St. John's wort can also react badly with certain antidepressants, so don't take it, or any herbal product, until you've cleared it with your doctor. Keep in mind too that the FDA does not require herbal supplements to pass the safety and effectiveness testing that prescription drugs go through.

Medication by itself may not be the whole answer. Talking usually does something that pills can't. Opening up with your partner can break a cycle of seeing yourself a certain way, a view you may have been carrying for years. Conversation can turn up fresh and playful ideas about sex, and it can repair a relationship that has been under strain.

Don't let the media or the culture around you decide how often you should have sex or what it should look like. That answer belongs to you and your partner, nobody else. Most of what we believe and value grows out of a mix of actual facts, our assumptions, and whatever we've lived through. Scientists point out that men and women carry about the same average level of desire, yet no two people match up on when they want sex or how much. Some want a lot, some want little. Television, movies, magazines, and the general noise of society keep selling a false picture of who we're supposed to be and when we're supposed to want each other.

Depression can flatten your sex drive, and a partner needs to understand that someone in that state may feel physically unappealing and undesirable. You might feel fragile and exposed, unable to manage closeness right when your partner is reaching for it, and everything can feel like too much effort. Some days you may just want to be left alone and not touched at all.

Finding a balance is the goal, and it isn't easy. The right medication, the right dose, and honest talk with your partner go a long way. Be open with your doctor and your partner about whatever sexual troubles you're having, and go easy on yourself. Begin outside the bedroom and ease into connection rather than forcing it. A little preparation can pay off. Nothing has to be rushed. Start slow, be patient with yourself, and let things unfold at their own pace, even if that takes a while. Romance, physical closeness, and a bit of playfulness matter enormously, and folding those into your sex life can build a stronger sexual bond too.

A closing thought: chronic depression will affect your sex life. Not might, not maybe. It will. That fact doesn't have to be crippling or feed the depression further. One partner may suffer from it, or both, and it strikes men and women during the years they're usually most sexually active. Even so, it should never be allowed to wipe out a couple's sex life entirely.

Physical intimacy is what bonds a couple, the thing that separates romantic love from friendship. But intimacy isn't only intercourse. It takes in every intimate act: hugging, holding hands, a pat, an arm around the shoulder, sitting or lying close, simply being near each other, and of course kissing and touching any part of the body where it's welcome. Movies, television, and the written word have pushed intercourse as the one and only picture of intimacy. It isn't.

Sex on its own probably can't cure depression. The combination of medical care, family, and relationship support remains the best way to fight it. Still, the role of physical intimacy in healing shouldn't be underrated.

- Jeff Stein and Bergen. Source: WebMD, Depression and Sex, retrieved December 2, 2014.