Do You Have an STD?

A herpes diagnosis is not the end of anything. You can build a full life, hold a good job, fall in love, and raise a family. What tends to make the diagnosis feel heavier than it is comes from other people. Those who have never been tested or diagnosed often treat anyone with an STD as if they were careless or immoral, and that reaction usually comes from not understanding the condition at all.

Think back to the 1980s, when AIDS and HIV were first identified. For years the public treated it as something that only affected gay men, and the gay community got blamed and shamed for it. That lasted until heterosexual people started getting sick too. Once that happened, the stigma widened, and anyone with any STD, HIV included, was assumed to be promiscuous. People make mistakes, and a mistake does not earn someone irrational or cruel treatment. Humans tend to recoil from what they cannot explain. Herpes has existed for a very long time. Do not treat it as a death sentence.

So what is it, and what can be done? Far more people understand how HIV and AIDS spread than understand herpes, and plenty of them do not realize you can keep an intimate relationship going without passing it to a partner. There are two kinds. Herpes Simplex Virus-1 shows up as cold sores and can also lead to HSV-2. More than half the population has had cold sores at some point. HSV-2, genital herpes, is the strain people worry about most, and it usually passes through sex. Early treatment involves oral medication and topical creams that help sores heal faster and cut down on outbreaks. With time, outbreaks become less frequent. Use protection every time, and tell your partner before things become physical. Do not deceive anyone to get what you want.

The emotions that come with this are real, and depression is one of the first. After a diagnosis, a lot of people feel dirty, hopeless, convinced they will never date or have kids again. You can have both if you want them, but you may need help learning how to move forward. It can feel like you are carrying a shameful secret. Part of what therapy does is teach you that you do not owe the whole world an announcement. You can handle a private challenge with dignity, and only the people close to you need the details. Therapy also works on your self-worth and helps you adjust so that one mistake does not quietly steer every other decision you make. You are not a failure, and you are not trash. Negative thinking will bleed into your work and your relationships, so start catching those thoughts now.

Isolation is the second trap. For a while you may not want to see anyone, and that is fine at the start. But you need a support system made up of people you trust to keep things to themselves. Support groups at a local hospital can help too. Hiding away and living alone is not how you get through this.

Dating gets complicated mainly if what you are after is casual sex. Questions circle in your head: how do I tell someone, when do I tell them, what do we do about sex? The answers are yours to work out, but you can absolutely date after a diagnosis. You just have to be choosier, and you might start leaning toward relationships with a future rather than quick hookups where you could expose someone else. If something stays platonic, there is nothing you need to disclose. Dating sites built specifically for people with STDs exist, and PositiveSingles.com is one I would point you to. Millions of people live with herpes. If you already have the virus, there is no risk in being with someone who has it too. When you feel like the only person carrying this, or like strangers can somehow see your secret, it helps to meet other smart, attractive people who have chosen to date within that circle. It is honest, and it tends to be a lot more fun.

Society still reacts badly to STDs, in part because people do know they last a lifetime. What matters is finding people who will not shun you over one night of poor judgment. Hold onto some optimism even when it feels impossible. Your life is not finished. Find some peace with where you are, and keep going. - Heather Browning, MBA, BA