Depression: A Challenge for Relationships

Can depression reach into our relationships? It can, and often does. Because the illness touches so many corners of daily life, the bond between two people can start to fray, and sometimes it breaks down in painful ways when one partner is unwell. Yet the reverse holds too. A steady, caring relationship can be one of the better things a depressed person has going for them. We may hide it when we feel low, but that's exactly when love, support, and closeness matter most.

When your partner is the one struggling, expect some distance. They might withdraw simply because the energy for ordinary routines has drained away. Your efforts to reach them may go unnoticed, and after a while you can start to feel invisible, maybe even resented. Try not to read it as rejection. That part is hard, but it matters more than almost anything else here.

Stay as calm as you can when they grow quiet and unhappy. Picture the illness sitting between you: it dulls their concentration, keeps them from registering the good moments you still share, and makes them miss half of what you say. When you've reached the end of your rope and every signal says they want nothing to do with you, come back to that one fact. It's a medical condition, and it usually lifts with time and treatment. Holding that in mind is what keeps the whole thing in proportion while they start getting help.

Sex is part of this too. Depression slows down the body's major systems and wrecks sleep and energy, so anything that depends on stamina and coordination can suffer, intimacy included. Some people won't admit the change, because sex may be one of the few places they still find comfort, and they push to keep it looking normal. Still, the toll of long-running depression can leave someone without the energy for the small romantic gestures that used to spark things, or strip away interest in sex altogether.

Men often describe exhaustion and hopelessness that comes bundled with low libido and trouble with erections. Women may notice interest fading, difficulty becoming aroused, or trouble reaching orgasm. There's a silver lining: these problems tend to ease as the depression itself lifts. A returning appetite for sex is sometimes the earliest clue that recovery has begun.

Medication complicates the picture. Antidepressants can interfere with sexual function, and dampened sensation along with delayed or absent orgasm ranks among the more common side effects. If that happens, raise it with the prescribing doctor, who may be able to adjust the dose to soften the problem. Whatever you do, don't stop the medication on your own just to get your sex drive back.

If you're the depressed one, you are not powerless. There will be good days and bad ones. On the good days, put real effort into showing your partner affection, and try adding a daily walk to the two of you. Getting out into fresh air helps, partly because movement releases endorphins, which are quite good at easing mild to moderate depression and can lift your mood fairly fast.

A walk even on your worst day can hand you a small unexpected gift: a bird singing, a flower you hadn't seen open in the garden. Make a habit of catching at least three of those moments daily. Eat five servings of fruit and vegetables even when your appetite is gone. Put on music that means something to you. Keep treating the depression and trust that it will pass, and that color will come back into your days, hopefully before long.

Caring for your partner feeds your own health, mental as much as physical, so offer affection even when you don't feel much yourself. When sex is beyond you, cuddle instead. Touch and nearness can hold a relationship together, and if cuddling is all you can manage, say so out loud. Talking about it, plus the closeness, tends to leave both of you better off.

Now the other side. If your partner is the one depressed, yes, you can help. Be honest with yourself about empathy, because you genuinely don't know the full weight of what they carry. Be gentle, work at understanding their experience, and keep reminding yourself this is an illness that proper treatment can move. Their loss of interest almost certainly isn't aimed at you. Depression slows everything down and degrades how well things run, relationships and communication included.

Steady love and steady support go a long way toward convincing someone of their own worth. Balance pushing them toward professional help with large doses of patience and tenderness. And look after yourself while you're at it. Being close to a depressed person is draining, so take time alone or see friends. Depressed people often want to stay in and do nothing; match that too closely and you risk frustration, or sliding toward your own depression. This stretch of life will end. The person under the depression is the same one you knew before, and with consistent love, attention, and treatment, it will pass. (Jeff Stein)