Being Grateful for Constructive Criticism

In the years before I stayed home with my kids, my job came with an annual portfolio. I gathered mementos through the year, handed them over, and got back a summative review: a list of more than fifty skills, each marked O, C, or N. Outstanding, Competent, or Needs Improvement. Most of mine came back O. As a teacher who measured herself by how her students did, that stamp confirmed what I already believed about my own work. And it left me a little flat. What I actually wanted was to find out what I didn't yet know, to pick up the thing that would make me better at the job. A column full of O's doesn't tell you that.

Plenty of people would take the opposite view. A page of C's and N's can land like proof that you've failed. These days I know that feeling from the inside. Maybe I hold myself to a stricter standard as a parent, maybe I let the criticism get under my skin, or maybe it's just the sheer volume of C's and N's that my ongoing performance reviews hand me. Crayon on the wall? N. The baby rolled off the couch, again? N. I held firm and didn't buy my toddler the toy after he melted down in the aisle? Call it a C. The hardest note to swallow comes from my husband, who gambles with his own safety every time he points out that the kids pick up on my mood and that I'd do well to stay calmer. That is not something I want to hear mid-crisis. Still, the review is fair, and it matters, because the whole point is building a steady, warm place for our children. So I take it, and I work on myself.

Hearing about your flaws is no fun. Admitting you have them is worse. And handing out criticism isn't exactly a treat either, at least for most of us. Done well, it's a courteous skill that asks a lot of the person giving it. When someone stops to consider how you might do better, then shapes the message carefully so it doesn't flatten you, that effort has earned your respect and your ear. Negative feedback is unpleasant enough to deliver that a lot of people simply skip it. The cost shows up later: output drops at work, relationships quietly erode, and stressed-out moms keep acting stressed with nobody willing to say so.

Taking the feedback with any grace is its own kind of work. The reflex runs toward defending yourself or mentally switching off the person talking. We're wired around our egos, and self-examination feels like a chore. But there isn't another route to becoming your best self. You close the gap by fixing what's broken, and that kind of change asks for real backbone. The perspective is a gift, and the opening to improve is one too.

Rather than reading criticism as a shot at who you are or a knock on what you've made, try meeting it with gratitude and a little humility. Nobody is flawless. You aren't. When someone hands you a chance to get better, grab it. How far you go, at work and at home, rests partly on what other people are willing to tell you. Knowing all that, of course, doesn't make the moment any softer. With some deliberate effort, though, you can steer your own reactions and turn a hard note into something useful.

First, watch your opening response. When the boss calls you in, or your spouse leads with, "Honey, I hope you'll take this the right way," steady yourself. Decide, right then, not to snap back. Keep your face neutral. Say nothing for a beat. Sit down if you need to and breathe slowly. That bit of restraint buys you room to actually process the message, and it makes you someone people feel safe talking to.

Second, listen like you mean it. Keep reminding yourself that this is for your benefit. Pay attention with a willing attitude, and remember the other person is as uncomfortable as you are. Repeat back what you heard so you're sure you understood it. You can ask for suggestions, but don't corner the other person, since giving you the fix isn't always part of their role. A lot of the figuring out, you can do on your own.

Third, answer with warmth and thanks. If you want to keep growing, you want the feedback to keep coming, and that depends on the relationship staying open. Thank the person. Offer something back. Let them know the chance to improve wouldn't exist without their honesty.

Fourth, go find the fix. Sometimes you'll need more from your boss or your spouse, but books, trusted people, and the internet are all there too. Watch for the patterns in your own work or behavior that keep pointing at the problem. Then dig in and build a plan to break the pattern. It might be a quick adjustment or a long haul. Either way, there's room to do better, and reason enough to try.

Melissa Lavery, M.S.

References: Lindsay, N. (2012, November 7). Taking Constructive Criticism Like a Champ. Forbes. Share, J. (2011, October 25). 7 Reasons Constructive Criticism Hits Hard (and Well). JobMob.