Michelle Gale (Interview Archive)
Erik: I'd like to hear more about what you meant by kids going wild once they're finally cut loose. Michelle: A lot of the parents I've coached grew up inside very strict households. The kind I was describing a minute ago. "Do as I say." "Don't talk back." "No lip." In some cases there was physical punishment, a hit for stepping out of line. Rules were rules, and there was no bend in any of it. What I see over and over is that those same children reach high school and start pressing against every edge they can find. They've got a bit more distance from their parents now, so they experiment with drugs. They notice how many of their classmates are cutting themselves.
Have you been paying attention to the string of suicides down in Palo Alto, in those high schools? Kids there feel so boxed in. Nothing in their lives gives. The parents carry a pile of expectations: a specific school, a specific way of presenting themselves, a specific grade. And the kids break. They snap under the weight of it. So you watch them hit high school and fall into trouble they'd never been near before. If it doesn't happen then, it happens in college, when suddenly there's no one holding the reins at all. The binge drinking runs further than it probably would have. They can't regulate themselves, because every piece of regulating was done for them at home. For a lot of these young adults, leaving that kind of house is a rough crossing.
Erik: When it comes to boundaries and rules, then, it sounds like you're pointing toward moderation in all things. Michelle: Absolutely, and it's funny you put it that way. My own kids can recite it right back to me. "Everything in moderation. Everything in moderation." I don't want them loading up on sugar or sweets, but I'm not banning it either. We just check in on the rest of the day too. "Should we have this doughnut at four o'clock? Well, let's think it through. I made chocolate pancakes this morning, remember. And you had a cookie at lunch. So maybe we pass on the doughnut this afternoon."