Michelle Gale on Repair, Recovery, and Holding Space for Kids
Yeah, I have those days too, and pretty often. I can't picture a parent who doesn't. Kids go through stretches where everything is hard for them, and sometimes we handle it badly. Sometimes I handle it badly. None of us pulls this off perfectly, and that's something I say to parents constantly: go easy on yourself, be kind to yourself.
Dan Siegel puts it this way. If you react and mess up, the thing that matters most is how fast you come back from it. The point isn't that you'll never make a mistake. Your kid is grumpy, snippy, pushing you away, and at some point you snap. You raise your voice, you get sharp, something leaves your mouth that you'd take back if you could. Siegel's teaching is that we want to recover quickly, and we don't let the moment just drift off. The magic lives in the repair.
That's what I've worked on in myself, on the days I managed not to lose it. And when I don't lose it, when I can hold my center and stay grounded, my real job is just to hold space for them. To be near. To let them know I understand, that I can see it, that I can actually see you're having a hard time right now. Sometimes I can hand them some words for it.
One tool I lean on regularly is nonviolent communication, which plenty of people have come across. What it taught me is that the behavior of the child is never really the problem. The behavior is never the issue. Underneath it there are always these big, enormous feelings and needs that aren't being met. So with my kids I might try something like, "I can see you're feeling really frustrated. I wonder if you didn't get enough connection with your friends today," assuming I've been listening to whatever story they've been telling me about those friends. I name it for them. I try to give them that internal vocabulary.
That's my role, to make room. Sometimes it's as simple as going into another space. My youngest is an artist, so I'll say, "Do you want to sit down and draw? You could draw out how you're feeling, or just draw anything, because I've noticed drawing helps you reset and feel better. Want to try it?" And I'll see if he's up for it. Maybe he's not. "No, I don't want to draw. I don't want to do anything." He's just grumpy. "Okay. I'm willing to sit here with you while you're grumpy." And the whole time I'm working with myself, working with myself, re-centering, re-centering. Those are the best days.