Drs. Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks (Interview Archive)
What changed for me was realizing I could stay with my own full experience and still be present for Gay while he felt whatever he was feeling. Both can happen at once. I can be happy or sad, he can have his own feelings, and we still share the closeness that comes from being present with each other. A lot of that closeness grows out of body-centered practices: learning to be authentic, learning to just be real. You start paying attention to what is actually going on inside you and putting words to it so the other person can understand, and so you can take honest responsibility for your part.
From there you leave behind the whole question of whose fault something is. Instead of blame, you get curious. I wonder how we might work this out in some new way. The more you practice that, the more of your time together gets spent enjoying each other and building something, instead of every hour going toward solving one problem after another.
Eric asked if they could say more about the specific ways couples can communicate in their own relationships.
Gay answered with a story about what he called a magical day in their marriage, the day he learned to communicate differently than he ever had. He admitted he used to carry around a lot of critical thoughts, and the two of them criticized each other constantly, partly because of the families they grew up in. Katie jumped in to say they came into the relationship very experienced at it. Gay agreed: highly skilled, both of them, right from the start.
So they decided to put themselves on what they called a criticism diet. The idea was to move away from blame and faultfinding and reach for some other response instead. One evening Katie had said she would be home from her private practice around seven. Seven came and went. By seven thirty Gay was worrying, and when she finally walked in around a quarter to eight, he went straight at her. What happened to you? Why are you so late?
Then he caught himself. His voice sounded angry and irritated, but underneath, in his body, what he actually felt was fear and anxiety.