Drs. Ellyn Bader and Peter Pearson: Interview Archive
Committing to a relationship means committing to talk through the places where you two don't match up. It asks you to stay inside the tension with each other until something actually gets worked out, and sitting in that tension is rarely comfortable. A lot of our work with couples is about making that tension productive, tension that pushes growth instead of pulling people apart, and learning how to put it to good use.
Erik: That's wonderful. Thank you so much. We have only a few minutes before we have to close out today's call. Pete, Ellyn, is there anything you'd really like to leave people with, something you want everyone to walk away from this conversation holding onto?
Peter: Sure. Let me hand you what might be the single best communication tip there is for couples. I think of it as four words. Say them with the right tone of voice and the right look on your face, and you can take a whole category of would-be arguments and turn them into real conversations, into dialogue, into collaboration rather than combat. I tell couples you can say almost anything. You can take a shot at your partner, and if you tack on these four words it flips a fight into a discussion.
Here's how I show it. I'll say, Charlie, give me an example of something you might say to Sue, or Sue, give me something you'd say to Charlie that would set off a real fight. And one of them will come out with something like, You never think about me, all you ever do is think about yourself. Then I turn to the other person and ask, Would that have kicked off an argument? And the answer is always something like, Are you kidding? Oh, man.
So I say, Now make the exact same statement, but add the four words. You only think about yourself and you never think about me. What do you think? Adding what do you think builds a bridge. It opens things up into a dialogue. Said with the right tone and the right expression, those four words change the whole exchange. Actually asking someone what they think, and then paying attention to how they answer, is a rare gift to give another person and to the relationship itself.
Most of us never got that growing up, or in school. Nobody stopped to ask, What do you think? Which is why those four words work as a bridge that cuts short so many fights before they start.