Am I Marrying the Right Person?

Dr. Phil has cited some figures worth sitting with. Research out of Louisiana State University found that eighty-eight percent of American adults between twenty and thirty believe a soul mate is out there waiting for them. The National Center for Health Statistics puts the divorce rate at roughly sixty percent. Those two numbers don't sit comfortably side by side, and that tension is exactly what a lot of people face when the question of marriage gets serious.

So you've been with someone long enough to start wondering whether they're the one. How do you actually know? If that question has been circling in your head, keep reading, because sorting out whether your partner is the marrying kind is what this piece is about.

Cold feet on a wedding day is one of the harder things a couple can go through. The bride or groom suddenly isn't sure anymore. Maybe one of them, maybe both, start wondering whether this other person is really the best fit. What's easy to miss is that the doubt almost never shows up out of nowhere. People rarely wake up one random morning and decide their partner might be wrong for them. When the second-guessing arrives, it usually means problems got buried instead of dealt with, or someone was determined to get married regardless of what the relationship actually looked like.

There's a pattern that tends to repeat. Women sometimes assume they can reshape a partner after the vows are exchanged, and that reshaping rarely happens. Men often tell themselves things will smooth out once they're officially married, and that improvement rarely arrives either. You can spare yourself a mountain of grief by being honest about whether this is the right person before anything is signed.

Before you walk down that aisle and make promises in front of everyone you know, you want to be fully certain. The only thing more painful than marrying the wrong person is having to live inside that choice afterward. Divorce court is nobody's destination of choice, so slow down and genuinely get to know who you're committing to.

Start by paying attention to how you feel in their presence. Do you walk away feeling good about yourself and the two of you together, or do you walk away with a sour taste? If being around your partner leaves you insecure, small, sad, disrespected, anxious, stupid, or somehow less than, that's a signal. If instead you feel strong, confident, happy, respected, cherished, and like you matter, you've likely chosen well.

Spending time apart helps more than people expect. Absence does tend to make the heart grow fonder, and a stretch away from each other can actually strengthen what you have. You may notice a side of your partner that constant togetherness hides. You'll have fresh things to talk about when you reunite. You might also figure out whether you two really share much common ground. A healthy relationship is one where you feel secure enough to step away for a while, whether that's visiting family, heading to work or a class, or just doing your own thing: reading, sleeping, shopping, playing video games, shooting hoops. The point is feeling settled enough to enjoy the time. If leaving makes you uneasy, or your partner guilts you for wanting any space, that's worth taking seriously. Balance between time together and time apart matters.

Warning signs are the thing people most want to explain away. When you're in love, your mind works overtime to justify or minimize them, because nobody wants to admit the person they love might be wrong for them. Sometimes that's the reality anyway. Watch for a partner who shares none of your interests, who makes you feel bad about yourself, who tears down your family and friends, who hangs a cloud of negativity over you, or who is actively abusing drugs or alcohol or breaking the law. Those point toward an unhealthy or abusive relationship, and that person is probably not someone to marry. Ignoring the signs is how people end up making the biggest mistake of their lives.

Your gut deserves a vote too, even though most people brush it off. When your head and your heart are both telling you something isn't right, listen. Your instincts are often correct even when you'd rather they weren't. Take that feeling and re-examine your decision. Sometimes you'll realize the thing bothering you is one of your own hang-ups, or it's minor enough to talk through with your partner. Other times you'll conclude you simply can't get past the unease, and in that case moving toward someone who can genuinely make you happy may be the better road.

A word of caution on the other side of this. Don't saddle your partner with impossible standards. They're not perfect, and neither are you. Everyone slips up, so don't shove away someone who loves and respects you over ordinary mistakes. I'm not telling you to marry a person only because they treat you well. I am telling you to follow your heart and, if you need to, rethink what you actually want in a spouse. Your soul mate doesn't have to be a six-foot model with blue eyes, great hair, deep pockets, and a big personality. If you sit quietly and think about what truly makes you happy, the answer might surprise you. The right person could turn out to be the shy librarian or the geek with the thinning hairline. Stay open, and love tends to show up.

- Dr. R. Y. Langham

References: Dr. Phil (2015), Marriage and divorce: The statistics. EHarmony (2015), Top 5 signs you are dating the right guy. Schmitz, C. D. and Schmitz, E. A. (2015), Finding the right person to marry, Self-Growth. Stritof, S. (2015), How to know if you are marrying the right person, About Relationships.