7 Ways to Help an Elderly Loved One Through Depression

Age raises the odds of depression, which puts older adults among the groups most vulnerable to it. In the United States, the highest suicide rates are found among the elderly, yet this population often goes without the care it needs. Part of the problem is shame. A lot of older people feel embarrassed about their mental health and keep quiet rather than ask for help, which means fewer of them ever get treated. That is exactly why the people around them need to know what to do.

Consider the generations born in the 1940s, '50s, and '60s. For many of them, depression carries the idea of being "weak willed," so they hide what they are going through and stay away from anything that looks like treatment.

Don't brush off the symptoms. It's tempting to chalk up changes in an older person's behavior to aging and leave it there, but shifts in habits deserve a closer look. Say a relative starts seeing friends less often, or stops dropping by to see family the way they used to. Treat that as a warning sign. If the change sticks around for more than two weeks, depression is worth considering.

Ask them how they feel. Growing older brings a steady stream of change, and some of it is hard to sit with. Friends pass away. Independence slips. Either one can tip a person toward depression. So talk with them. Ask what all of this feels like from where they stand. Sometimes just saying it out loud lifts a weight off a person and lowers the risk. It also tells you something about whether depression has already taken hold.

Watch for the quieter signs. Depressed older people frequently keep their feelings in because they don't want to become a burden on the people they love. Pay attention to things like hands that keep wringing, an inability to sit still, a short temper, restlessness. Behaviors like these suggest something is off and deserves more attention.

Choose your words with care. If you think a loved one is depressed, resist the urge to say so bluntly. Many will deny it flat out, partly to avoid being a weight on you and partly because of the stigma they attach to the word. Keep the conversation general so you can get a read on how they are doing and whether anything has shifted. And if you want to nudge them toward help, steer clear of terms like "therapy" or "drugs," which land badly with a lot of older people and tend to make them dig in. Ask instead whether they have been feeling "down" or "blue" lately.

Remember that depression is an illness. It needs real treatment, the same as diabetes or heart disease. Left alone, it can cause lasting disability, it tends to get worse, and it can even feed into dementia. For some older people the depression runs so deep that they can't get out of bed or eat. This is not something a person can simply shake off, so reaching a healthcare professional matters.

Don't hover and take over. When you love someone and you're worried, watching their every move feels natural. But running their life for them backfires and can make things worse. Aim the other way: encourage them to start handling things on their own again. That sense of independence is itself one of the things that pushes back against depression in later life.

Be part of their medical care. A doctor's visit about depression can frighten an older person. You can ease that by showing up for it. Going along to an appointment offers comfort and helps them stay on track with the ones that follow. It gives you a clearer picture too, so you actually know how they are doing.

Used together, these steps make it easier to get a loved one the help they need, and getting it in time is what counts. With the right treatment people do recover, and the risk of suicide and of depression-driven dementia drops sharply. Hold onto this the next time you spend time with an older relative, so that if depression is there, you can move quickly to get them support.

- Rosemary Kitchen

References: Anxiety and Depression Association of America. (2015). Tips to Manage Anxiety and Stress. Retrieved on February 4, 2015. National Alliance on Mental Illness. (2015). Depression. Retrieved on February 4, 2015.