5 Ways to Improve Your Marriage

Married and stuck? Maybe you can feel the friction but can't name where it comes from. That describes a lot of people who want things to get better and have no map for getting there. I've been married close to five years, and for most of that stretch we've carried real problems. We're working on them now, which turns out to be hard when neither spouse is trained in repairing a relationship. We went to counseling. I read a lot. Out of all of that I pulled together five things we're actually using, and I think they can help other couples too.

Think of marriage as two people walking a road side by side, holding each other up. When I notice one of us drifting ahead or lagging behind, that's usually when the whole thing starts to wobble. Give and take has to run both directions. Being married asks for a long list of skills, and once a couple gets some of them down, the thing they've built can be genuinely beautiful.

First: a marriage is 100 percent from each person, not 50/50. I grew up believing the 50/50 version, where you give exactly as much as you take and call it even. Life doesn't cooperate with that math. There will never be a stretch where both people are equally strong, physically or emotionally, at the same moment. So each person has to pour in everything they've got. Giving half of what you have won't hold, and taking only half of what you need won't either.

Second: build the thing on trust and honesty. Those two are what keep a marriage from coming apart at the seams. For three or four years I wasn't fully honest, not with my husband and not even with myself, and I suspect he was carrying some of the same. Now we've agreed to tell each other the truth about the tiny stuff and the heavy stuff alike. No quietly leaving things out, no deciding a conversation isn't worth having. Secrets corrode any relationship, and a marriage most of all.

Third: keep communication open and healthy, all the time. Problems are going to surface; the way through them, whether they're between the two of you or something you're wrestling with alone, is to talk to your spouse. Poor communication sits near the top of the list of reasons marriages end. When both partners just talk, and do it in a healthy way, the relationship gets a lot more enjoyable to be in. A few things that help: stay calm while you're talking, and keep the serious conversations short, breaking them across different times so neither of you ends up overwhelmed.

Fourth: talk about the past, the present, and the future. Start with the past, because it's part of why you're the person you are now. I've been through heartache I never actually processed until recently; my husband knows about it and has stood by me through it. Then the present. Checking in on the ordinary, day-to-day stuff, how each of you is holding up as the hours pass, keeps the marriage breathing. And the future matters too. You and your partner should carry some shared life goals and chip away at them together.

The bond in a marriage can run deeper than any other you'll ever have. Put these habits to work and you make that bond with your partner stronger than nearly anything else in your life.