5 Steps to Starting a Happier New Relationship

Whether you're actively hunting for love or you just want a bit more romance in your life, the outcome is far more in your hands than it might feel. Below are five things you can actually do to set up a new relationship that makes you happy.

1. Let go of old resentments. Plenty of people dive straight into something new, hoping it will dull the ache of a rejection or a breakup. In reality that tends to backfire, and it makes genuinely moving forward harder. When you're still grieving a lost relationship, give yourself room to sit with it first. Understand what happened, process it, then release it before you try to connect with someone new. That release can take different forms. Some people pour their raw, unfiltered thoughts into a journal; others would rather talk through the anger or confusion with a therapist. What you're really after is a way to stop repeating the same mistakes and make peace with what came before. You'll know you're ready when you can look back at a past relationship with some distance and feel like you took something useful away from it.

2. Decide on your boundaries. Before you start looking, spend real time on your priorities. What do you value most in another person? Does sharing a laugh matter more to you, or do you want someone with serious drive? Once you've sketched out a rough idea of what a partner needs to offer for you to be happy, hold the people you meet to it. Don't settle below that line, but keep it grounded in what's actually possible. Commitment is its own question, and an important one. If you're after a spouse and the other person just wants a fun few months, it ends in heartbreak no matter how drawn to them you are. The reverse holds too: steer clear of someone who clearly wants most of your week when you'd rather see them a couple of casual nights.

3. Use every resource you've got. If your dating life has consisted of friends of friends and striking up conversations with strangers at bars, the online world is worth a try. There are hundreds of sites, and plenty charge nothing to join. Some are pitched specifically at casual dating, others at serious relationships, and some focus on people in a particular area. Keep an eye out for singles nights or local events, as well. Talking a friend into coming along makes those gatherings feel a lot less intimidating. Beyond all that, consider just spending more time around new people with no agenda attached. An art class or a yoga session is worthwhile on its own, and you might also run into someone on your wavelength who says yes to dinner or a drink.

4. Keep an open mind. Having a clear picture of what you want, including your deal-breakers, is genuinely helpful. Even so, try not to size people up before you've actually gotten to know them. Two hours with someone who seems like a poor fit can flip your impression completely in that short window. Most of us have friends or colleagues who made a rotten first impression and later became people we love. Give the person a fair chance to click with you. If the connection or spark isn't there, be honest and direct about not taking things further.

5. Be yourself. A happy relationship depends, in part, on you actually showing up as you in it. The urge to put your best foot forward on a first date is natural, but let your quirks and personality come through too. Don't flatten a weird sense of humor or pretend to be someone else just to win someone over. Someone who likes the genuine version of you is far more likely to build something that lasts with you. Better to learn early that two people don't mesh than to discover it after months of performing. - Erin